Trans Boy | G.W.

37. Ron

"Hey," I hear Garrett say softly as he walks into my room. I'm laying in my bed with my head buried into the pillow. I am about to cry but I am holding in my tears. I can't even be bothered to reply so I just stay quiet.
He sits down on the bed next to me. I know he is thinking off something to say.
I move to the side so he can lay down next to me. He does that and wraps his arms around me and pulls me close.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks carefully. I nod.

I see him looking at me and he plays with my hair. I know he wants me to talk.
"I am disgusting," I say soflty.
"Don't say that. Why do you say that?" He asks.
"She was right. I will never be a boy. I mean look at me. I have a girls body. I am on my period. Girl stuff. Maybe I'll never be a boy."
"She wasn't right, Ron. You are a boy," he cups my cheeks.
"Even though I'm on testosterone my voice hasn't changed much. I still have periods but  I know they're less heavy. I still have the curves and I hate it. I hate looking in the mirror. I just see a girl trying to be boy." I start to cry.

He keeps me close and wipes away some tears. "It needs some time," he says. "And I am noticing changes."
"Like, what?"
"Well small things like your voice is changing and all."
I sigh. "I'll never be a boy."
"You will!" He says. "I will help you get there. Same with the others."
I look down again wipe some tears away. "Why can't I be normal?"
"Normal is boring."
"Then I want to be boring."
He is quiet and I know he's thinking of something to say.
"You don't have to say anything," I say. "It doesn't matter." I get up and walk away. I walk outside, towards the end of the garden. I don't care that the weather isn't the best right now. But at least it's not raining. But it's LA, is almost never rains. It's just a little chilly right now.

I sigh and start to cry again. I should have never go to my mother. Why did I think it would be a good idea? I hear my phone go off. It's Garrett trying to call me. I throw my phone a few feet away from me and just sit there for a while as I cry my eyes out.
I hate my body. I don't know how I deserve Garrett. I would be disgusted my myself if I were him. I am disgusting. I don't care what people say but being trans sucks. I will never be a real boy. Just a 'wanna be'. And all those people calling me a faker can fuck off.

I don't know how much later it is but I think it's about an hour later. I stopped crying but I'm still where I was an hour ago. I can't cry anymore. I got cold but I don't want to get up.
I've been ignoring the notifications I got on my phone and I just want to be alone right now.
I honestly don't even deserve all they gave me. They have done so much and what did I give them back? Nothing. I can't give them anything back. I don't have a real job.
I am just waisting their time and money.

Maybe it's better if I just leave. And give them space. Garrett deserves so much better than me. He deserves a real guy. Not me. He is so out of my league.
I get up and walk into my room and pack a backpack. I then just leave the house without saying a word.