Dropping In: A Fillie story

Lose It

Play the song while you read : )

Millie

I walked down the hospital halls for the 5th time in the past 3 days. I look around at the sight around me and try to pick out familiar objects and people and their issues to keep me grounded and remember that others have it way worse.

Room 638, old woman, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, stage 4.

Room 639, young man, Severely broken leg, just had surgery to try and save his bone. 

Room 640, yesterday it was a young girl with ventricular fibrillation, today she is not in there. Instead, a sobbing woman takes her place with a man trying to console her.

641, a young boy, severe head injury, unresponsive. Finn. My Finn. 

I quietly knock on the door, even though I know he will not answer. I open up the heavy wooden door, to see my Finn, laying there, tubes down his throat, breathing for him. 

"Millie? Are you here?" I hear Mary, Finns mom who came back in town after the accident walks through the door.

"Yeah, hi Mary," I smiled while sniffling and grabbing Finn's hand, "Any new news on if he might wake ups soon?" I put on a fake face and smile.

"Not yet hon, but if I ever hear anything you'll be the first one I call," she smiled and set her purse down on the couch that said up against the window of the room.

"Thanks," I smiled and squeezed his hand, even though I knew he wouldn't squeeze back.

"I'm gonna head down to the cafeteria to grab some coffee, would you like anything?" she asked while heading towards the door.

"Um no thank you," I sniffed as she headed out.

I sat in silence, the only thing keeping me tethered to reality and not spinning off into a fantasy world, one where Finn was ok and I told him I loved him and where could grow older together and have kids and I could tell him I loved him every day, was the constant beat of the heart monitor, reminding me that he was still alive and that he had a fighting chance to wake up again. 

"God Finn, I'm so sorry," I sniffed while holding his hand to my cheek, desperate for his touch, desperate to hear his voice, desperate for him to flash his abs and say 'see something you like Brown?' desperate for him to give me one of those smirks that made you want to grab his face and kiss him, but slap him into the next day all at the same time.

"I love you so much, and for real this time, it's not just the alcohol speaking," I sniffed and chuckled, "I wish I wasn't so mean to you at first, I should've been nicer to you, make you feel welcome," a tear rolled down my cheek. "I wish we could've had more time together, three weeks wasn't enough, and good god I miss you so much," A constant stream of tears began flowing down my cheeks, gathering at my jaw bone then falling down to the cold floor, "and now I don't know if you're ever going to wake up, and Finn, if I never get to hear you laugh, or sing, or talk, or god even sneeze again," he sneezes as a kitten does, "I'm gonna Lose It," I sniff, remembering the lyrics of the song we were both singing before it happened. 

"Millie? Are you ok?" Mary comes back in with a coffee in one hand and tea in the other and offers it to me. I take it and hold it in one hand and Finns in the other. 

"I'm fine," I'm fine. You always have to tell people you're fine. Your world may be crashing down and falling apart on the inside, and you feel all the worst emotions, pain, sadness, guilt, regret, but you don't tell someone that. You take all your emotions and squish them down until it almost explodes, and you keep pushing and pushing until you condense all your feelings, every thought, every tear, into one word. Fine. It's just how the world works. 

And that other person may know that everything is falling apart in your mind, but they don't say anything. They could be able to see the buildings crumbling, and the waves of sadness, cold and dark, wash over your brain, but if you say Fine, they don't do anything. It's just how the world works. 

"You know he really loves you, Millie," she smiled and grabs her sons other hand, "he called me and talked about you non-stop," she smiled, "Mom, Millie, hates me I think, but I know she has a sweet side and I think I can get her to show it," she says describing a call from her son. "Mom today I found out that Millie likes a few of the same bands that I do and I'm thinking about getting us tickets to go to a concert," she smiled and brushes his curls out of his face. "Mom, are you sure you have to come back so soon, I love living with Millie, she's the sweetest and we have the best time together," she sniffles, "Mom, would you be totally mad if I told you I've fallen in love with your best friends daughter? He asked me one day," she chuckled. "You want to know how I knew that he would fall for you, Millie?" 

I was completely speechless, I wish that he would wake up right now, and flash me one of those stupid Wolfhard smiles, and I would smack him in the rib cage before grabbing the collar of his shirt to kiss him. I nodded.

"I know that he had a few girlfriends before, and he was quite the player actually, just like his father before he met me," she smiled as she mentioned her late husband, who had passed away when Finn was five, "but for all of those girlfriends, he never introduced one of them to me, I never heard about them, but with you Mills," she sniffed once again, "he called me to talk about you almost everyday, and told me about how amazing you are and all the little things he noticed," she smiled and reached over for my hand, "I think it only took him 2 weeks to fall in love with you Millie,"

"I wish I told him that I loved him sooner," I said quietly, not letting any more tears to fall out. 

"I'm sure he already knows," she said before squeezing my hand and pushing herself off the couch, "I'm probably going to head home now, I think Nick will be here in a few hours though," she smiled, "he really loves you, Millie, I'm sure of it," and with that Mary left the room and headed down the hospital halls. 

I sat with his hand against my cheek, longing for his touch, on my cheek, on my arm, on my thigh when we were both drunk and took things a little too far. I sat with him for two more hours, thinking about all the things I wish I would've told him before, things I was too scared to say. 

I looked at the clock, it was 6:32 pm. I've been here for like 4 hours. 

"Finn, I need to go home for a while, but I will be back in a few hours," I smiled before sitting up out of the chair. I squeezed his hand three times before I almost dropped it, but this time... he squeezed back. 

"Oh my god, Finn," I dropped my bag and rushed to his head, where his eyes began fluttering open, "OH MY GOD!" I exclaimed, so happy to see his beautiful brown eyes once again, "Oh my god! We need a doctor!" I screamed out into the hall before rushing back to him. 

A scared look washed over his face as he tried to mumble something, but couldn't due to the tubes that were in his throat.

"No no no, don't try and talk yet," I whispered and ran my fingers through his hair. 

A team of doctors and nurses rushed through the doors and began talking in terms that I only half understood. 

"Ok, Finn this may hurt at first, but when we pull these tubes out just try to cough and breathe ok?" Doctor Owens said, before carefully removing the clear tubes from his throat. Finn coughed for what seemed like minutes but finally took in one deep breath. I smiled at him as the doctors checked his vitals and trickled out one by one

He finally croaked out 5 words in a rough voice, "see something you like Brown?" 

"Oh my god, shut up I love you so much," I threw my hands around his shoulders practically throwing my body onto his. 

"You were barely holding on without me," he smirked. I grabbed his cheeks and brought my lips and placed them on his. 

"Wolfhard, I thought I was gonna Lose It," 

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awwww yayyyyy he's awakeeee

I'm sad to say I only have like maybe 4 chapters left including the epilouge on this book :' ( but I already have a plan for a New Fillie book that I think everyone will like, it might be kind of a slow burn though, not like this one but I'm not sure yet.

Stay Strange xoxo, J