Falling Beginning

Chapter 40.

Breaks Out

[Nea's POV]

We're back at BU after the spring break. A lot of things happened the past week, but Adam is still being patient and kind to me. I still can't open up to him, it's just I don't think I can.

My family always confides to me in anything, I know why they did so, they wanted me to confide in them about my thoughts too. What Adam said to me on the way home that day still lingers in my mind. I know I hurt him when I didn't say that I trust him, but this is me, I don't even trust myself, let alone trust other people.

Kris has been bugging me for a week since I'm back from the break. She knows I have something that bugging me inside because I'm not my usual self. I have been listening to that playlist non-stop for weeks already. My head is all over the place and my insomnia came back, just like two years ago.

I pushed people away at that time,  my family and my best friends are the only people I have, but I can't help it, it's my dark days. I feel like my heart is empty and I'm not lying, I do have self-harm thoughts, but thank god I didn't have that much courage to even do that and I do in fact love my bodies (and really I hate getting hurt). My defense wall is so thick that I don't allow not even my loved ones to hurt me.

I saw the hurt in my family's eyes, whenever I keep things away from them, but I just can't talk about it. I feel like my thoughts, the things that are bothering me are just stupid and not even a problem. I feel like if I opened up, they will say like it's just a simple thing and why did I make it as if it's a big problem, I'm scared of it.

Sometimes I do feel like I wanted to go to the doctor, to check up on my mental health, but again I'm afraid of knowing the truth. I know I'm a coward, a total coward to be exact. I keep on ignoring and avoiding it, which I know one day I wouldn't be able to anymore. But, for now, I just want to keep it to myself, until Adam came and he tries hard to crush the wall I build up hard in those two years.

Someone nudges me in my ribs, making me wince and I glare at Kris. She signals with her chin to the front and I saw the professor is looking at me with her hands on her hips, "Is my class that boring for you to sigh non-stop Nea?"

I heard some people laugh, but turn silent when the professor glare at them. I sit up straight quickly, "I'm sorry Mrs. Blake, I won't repeat it again."

"Spare me a minute after this class will you." Mrs. Blake said and I nod, complying.

-----

"Is something bothering you Nea?" Mrs. Blake asks me. We're currently in her office as I helped her with her things and she wanted to talk to me.

I shake my head while playing with my hands. After a minute I look up and smile, "I'm okay professor."

She clasps her hand together and she looks at me, smiling softly, "I don't believe you." I avoid her gaze and bite a side of my lip. 

"You're a bright student Nea. You always have a great focus in class, but all this week you seem bothered. I know I'm just a professor, but if anything you can confide in me. I'm a great secret keeper." Mrs. Blake smiles, She looks like the same age as Bella except for her marital status.

"Thank you, Mrs. Blake. I'll keep that in mind." I said as I stand up to walk out of the room.

"Nea, do you mind if I ask you something?" I turn around and shake my head, "No, what is it, Mrs. Blake?"

"Are you perhaps.. urmm.. pregnant?" Mrs. Blake carefully asks and my eyes widen.

"I'm sorry? No, no. What makes you say that professor?" I laugh awkwardly.