So I haven't been writing in this for a couple of weeks now. So I have some catching up to do. So I have been going to therapy for most of those weeks and well I thought my mom stopped too. But I caught her this morning smoking some pot. Yeah so I went back to drinking. I know it's terrible that I drink so much but it's like my escape. The past couple weeks I have been very distance with every one lately. That's bad too because my friends are all worried but I refuse to answer. I know they are trying to help but I'm trying to do better. I thought that maybe this therapy thing would bring my family closer but it made things worse believe it or not. I'm no longer going anymore I gave up on it. I'm doing worse in school. Luke and Rikki are still dating. I think he grew attached to her. He keeps saying how I need to stay out of his life and how I ruined everything for him. That's partial why I'm distant with everyone. And that brings us up to date for where I am now. Right now I'm sitting on the roof of the café writing on this.
I put my headphones in and layed down on top of the roof. I heard footsteps walking on the roof so I turned around.
Matt: what are you doing up here
Me: what are you doing up here
Matt: I asked you first
Me: I came up here to think
Matt: yeah that's why I came up here too.
We stayed silent for a few minutes.
Matt: why have you been so distant
Me: I tried to do better I really did. But things are worse now
Matt: how?
Me: Luke hated me. My parents hate me. My mom is still doing pot and drinking more than before and I'm doing terrible in school and I'm back to drinking again.
Matt: Luke does not hate you.
Me: really then why can't he stand to be near me
Matt: he thinks he's protecting you
Me: I feel like I did something wrong.
Matt: why don't you try to talk to him
Me: I can't bring myself to do it
Matt: well when you feel like it talk to him
Me: ok thanks for the advice
Matt: I better go and leave you so you can talk
As he started to walk away I grabbed his wrist.
Me: Matt wait
Matt: yeah what is it
Me: stay up here with me
Matt: you don't mind
Me: no I don't mind and I like talking to you
Matt: really
Me: yeah you helped me through so any things. I'm sorry that I was such a bitch to you.
Matt: don't say that about yourself and I don't blame you that you acted that way.
Me: I'm so terribly sorry
Matt: I don't blame you nobody blames you
Me: I just feel bad that I treated you like that
Matt: I deserved it for what I did last year
That's when everything flashed back that happened all within a year. I told myself what he did was wrong and if never forgive him for it but yet here I am talking to him forgiving him.
Me: I forgive you for what you did last year.
Matt: you don't have to
Me: I'm choosing to do this
I can't believe that I forgave him for that awful thing he did. I promised everyone including myself that I would never forgive him.
Later I went to Spencer's house. When I got up to her room I saw Luke sitting on the floor.
Spencer: hey Hannah
Me: I forgave Matt for what he did last year
Luke and Spencer hated Matt for doing what he did but Alex had no clue what happened. Spencer isn't as close to Matt like they used to because of what he did.
Spencer: how could you possibly forgive him
Me: you can't live life hating people for what they did you have to learn to let things go.
Alex: who are we forgiving
Luke: Matt
Alex: what did he do
We had to tell her eventually and I guess this is the time we had to tell her. Wish me luck.
