The WAY YOU LIVE | ✔

11. TRAUMA

Yamna saw Eman's dairy in her books, she opened it and read it.

She wrote her feelings in her diary...

"I no longer know where I begin or end. There is a war in my heart and my mind is a blur. Why, in this world, are these people like this? it is as if they are made of stone and we of glass as they shatter our feelings with one throw. These people you supposedly love and are important to you yet you have shoved them so far away by your actions. Is this truly living? Everyone has become hard-hearted and heartless. Does no one know how to discover what lies beneath anymore? Is their only aim to fulfil their own life even when they don't even know you as you are? If so, Why do we trust them? Why do they become our trusted partner in crime? Maybe we deserve the punishments we receive for our foolishness.

There is no sound when a heart breaks into pieces, only limitless pain which has neither been described clearly nor can be recovered. One lives and eventually does in the pain that they feel, making it the only reward for trusting and loving someone so completely.

Those people were happy to break us, nothing happened in their lives. It's nothing new for them, ruining lives. They've ruined so many, that they've managed to avoid the feeling themselves. They even tend to consider themselves superior to the rest, thinking that the world loved them more. In reality, it was only themselves that loved who they are.

They feel as if no one would reject them. Maybe it's true but Allah's existence will eventually spread the same pain which they had given out. I described reality. As people say," As you sow so shall you reap" and God's mill grinds slow but sure."

She further wrote,

"This is the time that I must be Patient. But everyone knows that patience and having no self-respect don't go hand in hand.

It's now the night of my birthday and I find myself eating dinner with Yamna because I have no other choice. As the night goes on, we eat in silence, and before I know it I am home and it is over."

After forty-eight hours,

Farhan called and we talked but he was busy, not even asking about my birthday.

After one week,

Out of the blue, he called and wanted to meet up unexpectedly, telling me he would pick me up in thirty minutes. We ended up going to dinner and had a pleasant evening. I was so happy at how much I felt he loved me, but I prayed that our love would exist forever. I tried not to think would happen if our love ended and knew if it did, it wouldn't be my fault."

Why was she writing all this now, perhaps she needed to convince herself of her love and his false promises, yamna thought.

After a few days,

"When he says that he loved me, I always felt like in his mind, there's always exist a word to the end of this sentence, "For now."

This is also true of his promises, which I don't trust anymore because he never fulfilled any of them up until this point," Yamna read her thoughts.

The ebb and flow of her emotions crashed against her heart every moment she read causing her to feel restless; so hurt was she by her friend's words, Yamna thought and tears came in her eyes.

She wrote further, Today my chest feels like it is going to burst from all the pain. Even though I talked to him, he forbade me to call. As a result, I need to use this page to absorb all sorrow."

While Eman's feelings were painful, they are realistic too. It was not the imagination of a loving heart, but just how long she waited for him.

"When...When he wants to talk, he will call. When he doesn't want, he would give a lame excuse as to why he was busy."

She continued to write of the wait, " I've waited for him, all day and all night, like someone who continued to sit in fire despite the pain. Now and then, he'll text, or call, or sometimes even come to meet me."

I don't understand what is and isn't my fault. why has he shrunk so far from me? I can't think of any reason for it. Why was he doing all this to me? Did he still love me? Does his heart not want me? Did he no longer love me at all?

All I want is to end the suffering. I'm so fed up I wish my mind would just stop functioning. I don't want to think about him. If he didn't care about me then why I'm suffering from all this pain? I wish we had never met then maybe my life would have been normal.

Now I have to use pills to sleep just so my mind stops thinking and I can rest. Why hasn't God given me death from this hellish life I lead?

At last, when this pain ends, he'll simply be mine. For now, I just want to die from the internal wounds of disrespect and guilt.

If nothing changes in forty-eight hours then I know he loves zarlish. If that's the case, then I'll take the pills and hope to sleep forever.

Why did he propose to me if he love her?

Then she writes,

God, help me, advice me! Everything seems to be bathed in darkness test my tolerance with every step farther into the void. I've run out of patience, I can no longer tolerate much more, so I must die to be released from this life of pain.

Surely thirty-five tablets will be enough?"

After that, the words ended and there was nothing more to read. Yamna set the book aside, now understanding everything. Sadly, Eman's attempt at suicide wasn't enough to buy Farhan's love or attention.

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Hello! Sorry for the late upload anyhow what do you think about man's dairy and her feelings? Share your views in comments ...

With love,
Mery Ruaid.