The WAY YOU LIVE | ✔

15. DESPAIR

The next morning, Eman didn't dare to hold herself and her heart. She only left to catch a glimpse of Farhan. She left intending to meet him.

She knew that whenever she looked at him, her heart became uncontrollable, but this happiness, this pleasure, the satisfaction she felt, wasn't pure, it was just her heart playing tricks against itself.

Farhan welcomed her, "What would you like? Tea, coffee or a soft drink?"

He was talking, asking what she wanted, but she with her still eyelids staring at his face.

Eman replied, "Whatever you're having."

Then he ordered two cups of coffee.

Sometimes, just looking at someone was how much "Enough," she thought.

Suddenly Farhan asked, "Are you engage with someone?"

Eman unconsciously whispered, "After you, the heart does not agree to accept anyone."

Farhan questioned, "Why?"

Eman answered, "It's not possible to simply get rid of some desires; we have no control over some things, not mine as well."

As she spoke, the sound of defeat resonated in her voice.

Farhan disagreed, " I'm not sure I agree with you. I think that everything is within our authority, at least we have authority over our feelings, emotions, and actions. We know what's developing? With whom we are developing it? and why? When we are in control of our senses, we don't develop feelings. That's why I don't accept that feelings aren't in our control."

Eman was speechless.

Eman helplessly looked straight in his eyes, " But I'm helpless because of my feelings. They developed three years ago."

Farhan rejected her once again straight away, "I value your feelings for me and there is no doubt that at some point, I was involved with you. You could even say I loved you. I still feel something for you in my heart and always will. But, Eman, life can't be passed just with emotions."

He finished, but and she kept watching his face through the steam of the coffee mug. It's just unbelievable for her. She was listening to something from that person who is a reflection of perfection for her, who is her entire world, who is... She didn't dare to complete her thought.

For a long period, she idealized the person who was sitting in front of her was one of the best person in the world. She thought that he had every property of a complete man, a complete husband. But now...

The steam of the coffee mug was hiding his face. Or maybe it was the fogginess forming in her eyes. With the support of the chair, she stood up.

"Yes, you are right, I understand," She heard herself. "Goodbye."

"I am sorry," Farhan apologized.

She slowly left his office, mind in a haze as if she had just woken up. It was seven in the evening and the darkness was spreading. The street lights and signboards were bright, illuminating the road for the mass of traffic that passed.

She remembered all of his words. She knew now, for the first time, that she had spent three years in a one-sided love. He never loved her, not three years ago...not now. He didn't need her. She was just imagining a wonderful place where he loved her.

"So, Eman Mustafa, this is your value," She whispered.

She began to walk the footpath, tears streaming from her eyes and uncontrollable thoughts swarming in her mind.

She thought, "He wasn't a bad man but he wasn't just what  I was thinking. How was I so cheated by him with eyes deliberately open? He was materialistic, utterly materialistic. It was as if I was only now seeing his true face.

  It was all incredible for me. He wasn't a bad man, he has his ethics and he was living with them. He told me those same ethics today. I had seen a snake for the first time. The snake that I had been blindly and madly in love with.

There was a flood of tears coming from her eyes now. Everything was flowing out with it: her love, her feelings, her emotions... everything.

She rubbed her eyes fiercely, drying her wet face. In life, sometimes we don't know that we had been in the darkness or if we had come out of it. We don't know any direction in the darkness, the sky and earth were the only things known to us. At the top, there was the sky. At the bottom, earth. As for the journey? There were only four directions; right, left, forward, and backward. On such occasions, there were two more: moving below to the Hell beneath our feet and reaching up to where Allah is present. We can't see the last direction,  but with every heartbeat, every blood circulation, every breath inhale and exhale, every bite of food, we feel Allah.

She wanted to forget everything, but she wasn't able to. It was the time when she need Yamna. She called her. As she reached home, Yamna was there to meet her.

Eman justified, "He did nothing wrong;
I rejected a boy and one rejected me".

"I will no longer see the sun or stars the same way I did. I won't feel the winds across my cheeks. Death is the only happiness I will ever know."

Tears began to flow again.

Yamna tried to console, "You must be careful for he cannot be trusted. Do not listen to his persuasive words. He is full of cunning and his soul is hellish. One more thing, you have to plunge your sword into his black heart."

A fever burnt in her eyes and Eman easily exhausted by any action.

Eman stated, "I don't want to join university or studying further. I don't want to saw his face in this life anymore."

Yamna narrowed her eyebrows,  "Are you mad? Are you going to be defeated by your first real problem? Do you want to show him that you can't forget him? Do you want to humiliate yourself? Show him that you are a coward?"

Eman's heart almost stopped beating. She was seething with rage.

Eman slightly moved her head, " No, I don't want to do that. It's awful to imagine a life without him, it's the life in Hell."

She controlled her tears.

Yamna hugged her, " Then you must remain as strong as a rock. The sadness will dissipate; it is not as strong as your heart. You don't want to join the university to ignore thoughts of him but you are wrong. You must join, not as a failure, but as someone who has fought, conquered and won't turn her back to a challenge."

They both looked at the other, completely silent.

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With love,
Mehrin