A Tale of One Deviant (Book One)

Chapter 184: Numb in the Heart

"Hah..." I breathed out to the cold wintry air, staring up at the sky so high above us that it made me feel like it could never crash down. But it did just earlier, and a few days ago, and a few days before that, so it was inevitable in my mind that it would crash down again sometime very soon again too. It was always just a matter of time, and a matter of running into it. I was never surprised when it happened anymore, never expecting anything, or anyone, to change. I just let it happen, dealt with it, moved on.

     But there was a difference in that crashing happening to me in that moment, while standing above the window sill of my former room, looking out to the gray above that normally calmed my heart. Shifting my eyes over to the garden, I could remember talking to Magaris and walking through with her on the day of mourning over there, going to happen in another few weeks. Looking over to the gazebo, I could see where I'd played with my siblings time and again, had taught others magic, had fallen in love with the sky while laying there and forgetting the rest of the world existed.

     Actually, after Keir gave me that love potion, how did I get back out from that brain-washed state of mine?

     I hardly remembered any of the proceedings from that time, just accepting that I'd broken free somehow, that Mother...Anastasia and Earl, Stream and Chord were there, and moved on with my life.

     Because those peaceful days didn't always need an explanation, an excuse. I could just live them and love them and cherish them like they'd never be lost to me.

     Though...I reached my hand up to my swollen, scarred eye, covered by a patch I wasn't sure I'd be able to remove anytime soon. I think I knew, deep down, that it wouldn't last for much longer.

     Whether it would've gone on a year or two more, those happy times with my family, or maybe even five or six, until it was time for me to pass away, I didn't know. There was no point in lamenting, since it was just inevitable - I would've split away from the de Libellules eventually. The "why" was obvious, simmering beneath the surface the older I got and the more I took on and the more I had to hide.

     It was just a matter of when.

    But the answer to that question, I didn't know. The answer to that question, I was very curious about, though.

     The talk I'd been planning to have with them was not about asking them when they estimated our paths would divorce. No, it was me planning to bash the life out of them in a training session under the guise of a talk, so Sarah and Martin wouldn't go head hunting for me later.

     "Thirteen months ago, if I hadn't told you the truth of what I was at that time, how much longer do you think we would have lasted together?"

     But my lips opened of my own accord, tumbling the words out to the open window and those still standing outside of the door to the room that'd been made to mimic my original decorations, and I felt not anger, irritation, or anything else while waiting for the answer. After all I'd been through those past few days with hardly any break, hardly any time to think for myself, getting thrown around, bashed, stabbed, crucified, I was ready to lapse my guard just a small bit.

     Because anger was a tiring emotion to keep running off of, and after thirteen full months of being estranged to positive emotion in copious amounts as they'd provided to me the first five years of my life, I was tired.

     There was something different about me that day, they knew. They weren't afraid to approach, slowly, just to see if they could get into the room, to see if I would block them somehow, until I did nothing but hover there and they gained confidence. They moved slowly, cautiously, but it was more like them approaching a delicate situation than a dangerous bomb.