ever after

parting | daineta

she sat on the wheelchair, swaddled with thick blankets. she wished she could curl up into her favourite fetal position, but her body didn't allow it. fat raindrops splashed against the glass, leaving streaks of liquid in their wake. the sound of rain pattering made their way to her ears.

it's raining, zan noted, and she was in her lonesome. it was that melodramatic hour of seven in the evening, which she would take time to think about life and everything that had happened to her so far.

life had been pleasant to her so far. despite the weekly visits to the doctor for checkups and taking her medicine dutifully, everything else was okay. because sawamura was with her, and he made life easier somehow.

speaking of which, he wasn't home yet, and she yearned for him. she wanted to spend every last moment she had left with him.

she was honestly worried. the doctor said she didn't have much time left, considering her stage (and her somewhat pessimistic outlook on the whole situation). the therapist had told her to cheer up, because perhaps, just maybe, her positivity would give her extra time.

sawamura was indeed upset learning that the love of his life had contracted such a disease, and was going to be gone. he had told himself to not cry and to put up a strong front just for her, because he had heard that his mood would affect hers as well, and her condition overall. and he wanted her to live as long as she could.

despite this tough act he was getting together, zan did catch him cry once, when he thought she wasn't looking. their bedroom door was slightly ajar, and she had rolled over wanting to spend some time with him. but she stopped herself when she saw his hunched back in the darkness, head in his hands, slightly shaking. his soft sobs could be heard, and she felt her own heart break.

she didn't want this; she didn't want any of this to happen. she didn't ask the disease to just choose her as its host and start a party of death in her body. she wished she could talk to god, to say, "take this disease away. if you truly love me like what you say in the bible, you shouldn't be doing this to me, your child." but she knew she shouldn't be talking to god like that. if she should be pointing fingers at anyone, it would have to be lucifer.

and now, back to reality, zan was waiting. waiting for sawamura to come home. they would cook dinner together, as always, with him handling the stove because he refused to let her go near fire.

suddenly, she felt her trachea close up, her nose blocked. her lungs seemed to be on fire, and she could barely breathe. she clutched at her chest, trying to take deep breaths.

medicine. i need my medicine.

she coughed and hacked and wheezed as she wheeled her way to the bedroom to find the medication. the whole apartment seemed to spin and her head hurt, her whole body hurt. however, she fought to stay awake. she couldn't render herself defeated to the death party that was claiming her life.

she reached the door, and tried pushed it open. but her head was in such immense pain, and her muscles were defying her. she grunted and struggled, but the disease was laughing at her. she hacked once more as she leaned forward as a final attempt. the door did open, and she fell onto the floor.

zan struggled to move forward, clawing at the carpet as she tried to inch across the room towards the drawer. the room was already beginning to spin at godspeed, and she clenched her eyes shut. her muscles finally gave way and her entire being as well, and she finally surrendered.

sawamura came back not too long later, greeting with a "i'm home!" when he didn't get a response, he suspected something was wrong. he stepped into the house and immediately saw the wheelchair in front of their bedroom door down the hallway. quickly, he rushed over and he spotted her lying unconscious on the ground. he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled 911, telling them what he saw as coherent as he could despite the tears and everything that was hindering him.

when she was pronounced dead at the hospital, he couldn't believe it. he was told she was admitted a tad bit too late, and there was nothing else the doctors could do. he felt his world, his entire galaxy breaking apart. she had been his big bang, creating his entire universe. and now that she was gone, he felt everything clashing against each other, breaking each other apart.

self-reproach settled in, and he began to blame himself. if only he had ran home instead of walking; if only he had came home earlier. he could've possibly saved her.

her funeral came and went, but he felt numb. he had shed one too many tears, to the point he couldn't find meaning in anything at all. he didn't want to even visit her grave at first, until sugawara had persuaded him to. so he did so on one cloudy morning.

the entire drive had been silent. he missed her presence. the void had sucked her enchanting life away, and in some ways, his as well.

he stepped out of the car after arriving, and walked past the many stones. it was sad and depressing, just like he felt. he walked over to her resting place and smiled bitterly, setting down the flowers he bought for her. the stone felt cold and dreary in contrast to the bouquet.

"zan, i... i don't know what i should say, and where i should start," he said finally, "except for that i'm sorry. i could've saved you, it's all my fault.

"it's been a while since you died, and honestly? my life isn't the same. i've been so used to you in my life, and suddenly you're just gone like that. i've definitely learned to love and cherish people close to me, lest this happens again.

"i miss how cooking dinner together. i miss how you would try to make me allow you to use the stove. i miss the way you smile at me when dinner's complete. i miss how you snuggle up to me. i miss how we start our mornings together. i miss you giving me a kiss on the cheek before i leave for work. i miss...

"i miss you. i really do. i know i shouldn't dwell about this and move on, but it's hard. i don't know how people do it so easily, but it's tough. but i'll try to. i don't know how i will, but i'll try.

"thank you for being the big bang in my life. for bringing so many colours into my life. for being my world, my universe.

"i love you. i'm sorry if i never said that enough. it's kind of pointless saying it now, right? since you're not here with me.

"i probably look stupid talking out loud. i'll stop now.

"so goodbye, my love. and i'll see you soon."

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finally a long oneshot AND a daineta angst :D i told you i can never stray far from angst for very long. also, has my writing improved??

also!! i put together a secret message! just put all the bolded words together and there you have it :D