ever after

letter | tobi-q

"you're worthless."

"you can't even play the whole piece properly, do you really think you deserve to call yourself a musician?"

"i don't know what kageyama sees in you, but you sure as hell aren't even good-looking, nor talented."

qq stared at her reflection in the mirror, scrutinising every little inch of herself.

they were right. she wasn't good-looking, or talented, or even had any good points in any way.

she wondered how worth was even measured. was it by the flawlessness in one's face? her freckle-dotted cheeks definitely said 'no'. the ability to play at least an instrument properly? her ability to make mistakes spoke for itself. then how about the v-line? nope, that itself was nonexistent.

"you should just die."

that's right. she should.

by comparing herself to the other students, all she could see was that she was untalented and stupid and good-for-nothing and a waste of space and—

her legs gave way as she collapsed onto the floor clumsily, accidentally hitting the door in the process. the temporary pain shot through her nerves and she retracted her hand in response, cradling it to her chest and hissing in pain.

tears begin to spring into her eyes as her inner self broke helplessly, like a broken vessel that had been taped up haphazardly coming apart.

"qq?" came kageyama's voice from the other side, "are you okay?"

"yeah, i-i'm fine," she lied, stuttering by accident and giving herself away.

before she could add anything on, the door opened and she cursed herself for forgetting to lock it earlier. she shifted herself to the side as kageyama stepped into the bathroom.

his eyes immediately landed on her, and he noticed the tears staining her cheeks. her hands were balled up, her legs curled towards herself, as if she was afraid. slowly, he bent down and took her hands in his, checking for any injuries, to which he found none. he figured she fell down by accident.

sighing in relief, he looked up at her. qq was presently trying to stop her tears, her eyes not quite meeting his. he guessed that whatever caused the fall was definitely not an accident.

gently, he wrapped an arm around her back and hooked her legs over his other arm, lifting her up bridal style. carefully, he picked her up and walked out of the bathroom, into her room, and placed her down on her bed. she instinctively curled herself up, and he sat beside her.

"is something wrong?" he asked, voice soft.

adamantly, she shook her head.

but he knew better that despite anything, she was an easy crier. yet, she would never cry over something trivial. nonetheless, he knew he shouldn't force her to say something she didn't want to say.

+

dear tobio, she wrote, then stopped.

the verdict had come in: qq was sure she wasn't going to continue living for long. though she had always told herself to stay strong no matter what, she didn't expect this. she had always thought she was much stronger than the voices in her head, and something big would need to happen to push her over the edge.

but all it took was a moment of breakdown in the bathroom to put the cherry on top.

she knew she really shouldn't, for she had wonderful people supporting her and being there for her. at the same time, she couldn't bring herself to constantly bother them with her problems.