Marvellous days

Chapter 54 -Ignoring the Signs-

Sometimes things happen you do not anticipate. You simply do not think about those things and even if it is totally stupid you ignore all the signals.

I could not believe that I missed it. I along with the rest of my family was that ignorant, but I couldn’t blame them. I should have been the person recognizing the signs. But if you are under stress and at regular intervals in shock, you are more likely to stop listening to yourself and others. I went through the last two months and realized that I had signs of it since the very beginning…

But I should start from the beginning myself: Carlisle and practically everyone told me to stop the training. I thought I collapsed nearly ten times or so until they could convince me to take at least a break. Carlisle was out of his mind because I practically hurt myself.

But I didn’t want to give up. At some point I had to and did so. Together with the stabbing came even more severe symptoms and I had to give up in order to not risk my life, as Carlisle and Edward told me. That had made me once again the weak spot in our family and an easy target for the Volturi, but everyone of course told me that I was safe and protected no matter what. I smiled at them and tried so hard to believe it. The only problem was that I wasn’t anxious for myself but for them…

This time I didn’t have to soothe and be strong for Bella and Edward and their sweet daughter, but for myself and Carlisle. Carlisle kept everything to himself and only occasionally spoke about his state of mind on his own.

The majority of the time I had to get him to speak and get it out of his system. I held him in my arms and he held me. In the past, it was rather me who needed his hold and guidance and I was so unbelievably grateful to have him. It was only in rare occasions that Carlisle was sobbing in my arms, but it had happened more in the last two years than in the last eight decades…

It was one of the reasons I ignored all signs, I vowed to be there for everyone else and especially for Carlisle.

Of course, Carlie was there as well and I had spent every free minute with her. She had told me so often with her special gift that she missed me that it hurt in the very core of my heart. I tried to reassure her that I was always there for her, but of course she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t around her the entire day. How could she? And actually I was grateful that she didn’t. She did not have to know just yet what anxiety, despair and pain are. It was bad enough that Nessie had to live through it for the second time.

To make things worse, Carlie was in a phase were she was very devoted to certain people in her life and was beyond scared when these persons weren’t around. Carlisle and I were the worst. Carlie threw a fit every morning when Carlisle went to work. He had seriously thought about quitting a million times, but we all reassured him to be there for her. She had to learn that we don’t leave her but return to her every time.

I devoted my day to her and spent every free minute with her. Carlisle did so as soon as he was at home and at night he watched her and took care of her if needed. I could see that it was hard for him to leave his daughter every single day.

Carlie was also not happy to see Alice and Jasper leave for college. The semester had started and now they were gone sometimes until the evening. As Carlie had a very strong relationship with both, you can imagine how bad it was the first few times they went away for hours.

Rose, Emmett and I tried to cheer her up and we tried every magical trick until it worked. Emmett had already seriously considered dressing up to get her to laugh. Rose thought it would be hilarious to have him here in a big bear costume, but we could convince him that it wasn’t necessary.

Edward, Bella and Nessie weren’t around so much. As long as they could they were over in Forks. Jacob couldn’t stand to be away from Renesmee too long and Bella wanted to spend as much time as possible with her father. Our house was quite calm in consequence.

It was this week that Edward and Bella were home with Nessie. They also wanted to spend time with us and support us and they were especially there for me. I appreciated it so much to have them all around me.

And here we are already reaching my current situation…

Carlisle took a lot of convincing but at some point relented and went on a hunting trip to the mountains with practically everyone but Rose and Bella who stayed here with me and Carlie in case something should happen.

Carlie was out on a walk with Rose and I decided to take a long relaxing bath in that time. And it really was relaxing until I felt something…

It was just a little nudge, nothing more, but that scared the hell out of me.

I thought it was just my stomach, but then again and more distinct. I jumped out of the bath tub and looked at the floor length mirror. My eyes instinctively flew to my abdomen and I caressed it. I turned to the sides and looked at myself. How could I not have noticed that?

I had a small but distinctive bulge there between my hips.

Tears ran down my face already, before my mind wrapped around the fact. There is no other explanation and the evidence spoke on its own: mood swings, nausea, headaches, fatigue, the fact that I couldn’t change back into a vampire and of course the small distinct bulge and the nudging.

I was pregnant.

I sobbed and more tears came but first out of happiness. I was pregnant! We had a baby on the way! Another miracle! I caressed the bulge and still couldn’t really believe it.

I was so blind to not recognize the signs. The symptoms started two months ago… I looked at myself and I was glowing out of happiness. I had to tell Carlisle right away when he comes home. I remembered the first time I told him I pregnant in New York. He was so happy and mesmerized that he couldn’t speak.

I fantasized about having our baby in my arms together with Carlisle and Carlie and the rest of our huge family. That also reminded me of my dream: I was lying in our bed and everything was fuzzy at first, but I heard a baby crying… I looked down and held a small baby in my arms. It was a newborn and couldn’t have been older than a day. “Our child,” I heard Carlisle murmuring and he looked happily at me. I looked down again in wonder and watched the baby. It had green eyes with a little gold in them and bronze colored hair. Having our small baby in my arms and feeling the love I couldn’t comprehend in consciousness yet. My unconsciousness had already known somehow at that point.

But the memory of dream also brought with it the images of Aro taking away my baby: Another switch and I was back in my bed with my baby. But Aro was with us and took my baby away from me and ran away… Suddenly I was just in a dark room, alone… I cried and called for help and called the names of each one, but no one came…

They were coming to do exactly that… Take away my baby!

The tears of joy turned into those of shock and sadness. Having felt all those emotions at once and the realization that I was pregnant itself were too much. I felt it slipping and lost consciousness.

So, yes things happen.

You do not anticipate it and then they are there and you cannot change it and I didn’t want to.

I was overwhelmed to find out that I was pregnant again. It was the fulfillment of my dreams I had since a human: having many blond haired children running around the house and my blond haired lover right next to me. I was getting everything I never thought I would. So, I couldn’t blame myself for hoping that it would turn out just like that. Of course, the cruel reality came back to me and the Volturi were on my mind fast.

You just cannot always get what you want and so fervently wish for, it is not so easy. Sometimes everything can be ripped away from you in only one second.

I closed my eyes, letting the darkness finally taking over when I remembered Alice’s vision: you are flung into a tree in the clearing we are standing in. I cannot see who did it, but I can see you. You are dying in there because of the impact. Carlisle and Edward will try to save you but in the future I see you die. We failed…

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