Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

1. Tiny Penguins

Tyler stared at the car in front of him. It was full to the top with boxes and bags, containing almost everything from his old bedroom. His family stood behind him, waiting for the moment he climbed into his car and drove off. He was pretty sure his mother was crying, but the sniffles might have also belonged to his dad. Tyler could never tell. It might have been both of them anyways.

“Tyler, sweetie,” his mom called to him from over his shoulder. Tyler turned around and walked over to her. Immediately her arms wrapped around him and it was clear that she had no intention of letting him go. “You don’t have to go,” she mumbled into his shoulder.

Tyler hugged back, not really wanting to at that exact moment, but knowing it’s what his mother needed. “I want to, though, Mom. I need to,” he whispered.

Slowly she nodded her head and let him go. As soon as he was free from her embraced his dad pulled him into another hug.

“Be careful, kid. I don’t want to get a call saying that you landed yourself in the hospital because you thought you could climb something.”

Tyler forced a smile. His dad thought it was real, as did the rest of his family. He hadn’t told them his real reason for moving so far away. He was scared that it might break them.

After his dad let go, Tyler hugged his sister and kissed her forehead, and then moved on to say good bye to his brothers, promising that he would come and see them when he could.

“My baby boy,” Tyler’s mother said as he got into the driver’s seat. Something in his chest felt like it broke and he was glad that he hadn’t told them. This was hard enough.

As he pulled out of the driveway, Tyler looked in the rear view mirror. His family was standing shoulder to shoulder and his dad had his arms around his mom, who looked like she was about to break down at any second. Tyler didn’t blame her though. He was their first kid to go far away for college. The rest had taken classes at the community college a little ways into town and had lived at home. He, however, was going to a completely different state. A place where no one knew him and he could start over, and maybe get over the immense feeling of sadness that had been plaguing his mind for the past few years.

When he got onto the highway, Tyler reached over to turn on the radio, deciding that the noise of the road and over all silence of the car was too much for him to handle. The radio however, didn’t work. It wouldn’t even light up or try to play music. Tyler sighed and shifted in his seat as he accepted that he would be alone with his thoughts for the duration of the trip.

It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, well, not for most people, but when your brain has a knack for over thinking things and questioning life, complete silence and a busy mind can be your worst enemy. For instance, Tyler’s mind drifted off to his freshman biology class where he learned about body systems. Sure, it was an innocent thought, but if you really thought about it, the fact that anyone was alive was quite amazing. How was it even possible that millions of tiny little cells could possibly bring life? How did cells exist? Why did they exist?

And how could one small thought change everything? The fact that Tyler could pull the steering wheel into the other lane and crash, possibly ending his life and other people's, passed through his mind. It’s not that he wanted to, but more like he could. He could totally make that decision and change his life in that split second. He could pull over and walk away from the car, going who knows where. He could stop in some random town and live the rest of his life there. He could go try and rob a store, because in the end, the only thing that was stopping him was the tiny little thought in the back of his head that said wrong. But that little thought didn’t really mean anything. He could still do those things. They were all in his power, and that terrified him.

But why did that terrify him? What was fear? Why were people taught to fear? What were they taught to fear? Why were people even made? What was the point? Everything only died in the end.

Tyler shook his head and tied to clear his mind, but he only thing he ended up achieving was riding his mind of the thoughts of death. Instead thoughts of pain erupted. Lots and lots of pain and suffering and sadness, and before Tyler even knew what he was doing, he was pulling the car off of the highway and walking into an old truck stop.

Tyler looked around between the two isles of goods. He saw cough medicine, things for migraines, pocket knives, and little figurines of penguins. Who would need those, he thought.

In the end he bought the tiny penguins in addition to a speaker for his phone. He paid the questionable looking man at the counter and went back to his car to plug in his phone and play music. There was no way he was driving the rest of the way with just his thoughts.

Being lonely on the trip was something he could handle, but being alone was something completely different.

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Just saying this now, this story is gonna be emotional. I mean, it's being told from the perspective of someone who is depressed, so it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows. It does get better/happier/lighter in the end, though (as far as I know and have planned), becasue that's what I want this story to be about: getting better and finding purpose in life. So if you don't think this story is good for you, don't read it. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy.