Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

21. Can't Go Home

They started driving again around noon the next day. Tyler was in the driver's seat, leaving josh in charge of the music. They sang loudly and obnoxiously as they went down the highway, neither caring who, if anyone heard them.

As the night grew nearer and the shadows grew taller, Tyler suddenly began to feel the waves of anxiety wash up on the shore of his brain. He felt so immensely alone and he slowly he began to panic. He couldn't go home, what was he thinking? He had tried so hard for years to leave, and now he was waltzing up to their front doorstep. He loved his family, he loved them so, so much, but he felt so inadequate there. He felt alienated. He felt forgotten.

Everyone else at home was better than him. They all had something they were good at. They all had something that made them happy, and then there was Tyler. The shy, quiet kid that filled up pages of his school notebooks with harsh lyrics instead of notes and the kid that locked himself in his room because he couldn't stand being around anyone else with their accomplishments, making him feel like a failure.

"I need to pull over," Tyler whispered. He was short of breath and his hands were shaking, making it hard to concentrate on the road and control the steering wheel.

"Are you okay?" Josh asked. He had been slowly drifting off to sleep, but now he was fully alert.

"No," Tyler choked out. He pulled the car into the shoulder of the road and turned on the lights. He rested he head on his hands and took deep, heavy breaths.

"Talk to me," Josh said.

"I can't," Tyler tried to speak. "I can't go back home. I'll drop you of at your place and then go stay in a hotel. I just, I can't do this."

"Why not?"

"They're gonna ask questions, Josh," Tyler explained. "Questions I can't answer."

Why are you so skinny now?

Why do you only wear long sleeves?

Have you decided what you want to do with your life?

How come you don't call us as much anymore?

Are you dating anyone?

Why were you so eager to leave?

Why are you still so quiet?

"Hey, hey, hey," Josh said. He reached over and wrapped Tyler hands in his. They were shaking. "It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not!" Tyler cried.

"I'm sure they still love and care about you, even if you can't answer their questions."

"But that's the thing. They love and care about who they think I am. I've hidden so much from them; they don't know a thing about me. They think I'm some happy go lucky guy that never stops smiling. Do you know how draining it is to pretend to be that all day? Do you know how much it hurts to have to hide from your own family?"

"Tyler, please," Josh pleaded. "Please calm down. You're going to give yourself a panic attack."

Tyler laughed. "What's one more, huh? What's one more."

Josh sighed and shook his head. He wished more than anything that there was something he could do for Tyler. He was so confused and angry and upset and all Josh wanted to do was help, but neither knew how he could.

"Look, whatever happens, I'll be right by your side, okay? I'll be right there. You can do it."

Tyler took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He looked over a Josh, who was looking back at him.

If Josh thinks I can do it, then I can, Tyler thought. I can do it.

"Yeah," Tyler eventually said. "Yeah I can."

Josh smiled. "How about you let me drive us the rest of the way."

"Okay."

A few hours later they pulled into Tyler's neighborhood. Tyler was slow at gathering his bag. As much as he didn't want to go inside, he knew he had to.

"Hey," Josh said before he could close the door. "If you need anything, just call me. I'll come pick you up, okay? You just need to make it through the night. You can do."

Tyler smiled back at Josh. "Thanks."

Tyler closed the door and Josh drove off down the street. When Tyler couldn't see the car anymore, he turned and faced his house.

"Here goes nothing," he mumbled to himself.

He knocked on the door with a shaking hand and tried to calm his breathing. They're his family. Just his family. He could do this.

No you can't.

Tyler couldn't even force that thought out of his mind before the door in front of him opened and his sister threw her arms around him.

"I've missed you so much," she mumbled into his shoulder.

Tyler cracked a smile. Sometimes he forgot how much she actually cared.

"I've missed you, too."

His sister pulled him through the door and into the living room, where he was met by more bone crushing hugs. His brother's refused to let go of him and his father had to fight his way in. A tear fell down Tyler's face, but he quickly wiped it away.

It was two more hours before Tyler finally broke away from his family. He told them they had been traveling all day and he needed to rest, but that was only half true. He had been around the same few quiet people for so long that the sudden swarm of moving mouths and loud voices was a bit too much for him to handle. He felt lucky to have escaped before the onslaught of questions came. One emotional breakdown per day was enough for him.

Tyler changed into a pair of pajamas and replied to a text from Josh, asking him if everything went okay and reminding him that he would see him again tomorrow. Tyler didn't know what he would do without Josh.

When he flipped off the lights, Tyler laid down in his old bed. It was different from the one in his dorm, and not in a good way. It reminded him of the multiple nights where he cried himself to sleep and hid beneath the covers waiting for the morning to come. His room had been his only safe haven as a kid, but the loneliness that came with it had been his enemy.

Tyler thought back to a conversation he and Josh had had only a few nights ago. Josh had told Tyler that when he felt alone at night, to picture the hall of their dorm building and notice all of the doors and remember that each door had someone behind them. Then think about how many families the people behind those doors belonged to. Josh told Tyler to think about all of that and remember that even if he felt alone, there was always someone else to close to him. That there was always someone else thinking the same things as him. That no matter what was going on, he was never alone.

Tyler fell asleep that night without the help of the sleeping pills.