Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

8. Throwing Punches

It was the night before classes started and Tyler, naturally, was freaking out. He stared at his face in the mirror, studying every detail as if he was going to have to paint a hyper-realistic self-portrait in only a few hours. He cringed whenever his eyes would pass over a bump or a scar or an out of place hair. He frowned when he noticed just how crooked his teeth were. He turned away from the mirror when he realized that his ears were two different heights.

"You even look like a loser," he mumbled to himself.

Tyler turned off the lights in his bathroom and stumbled over to his bed. He collapsed down onto it and curled up in a small ball, something he often did whenever he felt scared at night. It didn't really do much. If anything the position made him more vulnerable to physical attacks since his head was bent towards his chest and his arms were covering his face, but he felt safer like this. Safe was good. Safe was, well, safe.

While he laid there in his bed, his thoughts began to wander like they always did, much to his annoyance. Tyler was used to the onslaught of questions he didn't have answers to and thoughts from questionable origins, but he was still annoyed by it. It was his equivalent of waking up every morning to a loud and ugly sounding bird chirping at the window. He was used to it and expected it, but he longed for it to stop and let him sleep.

"Stupid mind-birds," Tyler grumbled. "Not letting me sleep."

He shifted his position so he could read the clock on his bedside table. It was already midnight and he had promised himself that he would be asleep by ten. But no, it couldn't be that simple. He had to get over crippling self-hatred and ponder over the course of the human existence first.

Suddenly Tyler's phone buzzed.

Josh: Dude, go to sleep.

Tyler: How did you know I'm still awake?

Josh: Your sleep schedule is whacked, man. You're always up when you shouldn't be.

Tyler thought about that. Josh, even with only knowing him for a week, already knew how messed up Tyler's life was.

Josh: Everything will be fine tomorrow. Go to sleep.

Tyler frowned.

Tyler: Are you sure?

When Tyler saw that Josh had read the text but not replied, he sighed and set his phone on his bedside table. He didn't blame Josh for being annoyed with him.

A knock on Tyler's door brought him out of his thoughts. He stood up, after checking that yes, he was in fact wearing pants, and opened the door to see a still very much awake Josh dressed in a matching rainbow pajama top and bottoms.

"I am completely sure," Josh said before Tyler had a chance to say anything.

Tyler stepped away from his door and Josh walked into the room, finding a spot on Tyler's bed.

"Dude," Tyler laughed when he had shut the door, "What's with the get up?"

Josh shrugged. "I felt as though my life was lacking a bit of color. This was my only solution that didn't involve permanent ink and angry parents."

Tyler nodded and tried not to laugh again. It wasn't every day that you saw a guy like Josh dressed in clothes that looked like a Care Bear puked on them. Instead, Tyler sat down next to Josh with his back leaning against the wall. He let his eyes fall closed and let out a sigh.

"What's on your mind?" Josh asked.

Tyler didn't reply immediately. He didn't know how to. It wasn't like he could just announce that everything was pointless and life wouldn't change for anyone if he just left. Well, he could, but that was no way to assure people that you were mentally okay. It was like punching them with your personal problems. Not many people appreciated it after only a week's worth of friendship.

"I could totally punch you in the face right now. Why shouldn't I?"

Josh wasn't even surprised that Tyler didn't exactly answer his question. He had realized pretty quickly that Tyler's mind worked differently and was used to seemingly random and off topic answers in reply to something he asked. But this seemed a little violent for Tyler, the guy who couldn't open the door to the library because it was too heavy.

"Uh," Josh stuttered as he slightly shifter away from Tyler. "Because it's wrong?"

"Yeah, but why is it wrong?"

"I don't get what you mean," Josh said. Tyler opened his eyes and Josh could see something swimming just under the surface. Confusion? Desperation? Fear?

"Like, I have the capability to do it, but I know it's wrong. You know it's wrong. Everyone knows that you shouldn't just punch someone in the face because it's wrong. But why is it wrong? It's some kind of moral thing, something we're taught at a young age, but why are we taught that?"

Josh thought for a moment. "Maybe it's because punching people hurts them and hurting people is bad."

Tyler turned his head to face Josh. His eyebrows were knitted together in deep thought and he had a frown on his face. He knew Josh wasn't going to have the answer he was looking for, and he definitely wasn't going to connect the symbolization that Tyler had used to represent his own thoughts, but Tyler needed to ask him. He needed to ask someone. Anyone.

"Is it?" Tyler asked after a few moments of silence.

Now it was Josh's turn to frown. He didn't quite know what was going on with Tyler. One minute he would seem completely fine and be laughing with Josh about some stupid thing they saw on the internet, and the next moment he would be staring out the window with such an intense look of sadness on his face that Josh would think that his bunny just died. Josh didn't understand and didn't know how to help his newfound friend, and that made him upset.

After another few minutes of silence, Josh shifted on the bed so that he could lay down. He wasn't about to leave Tyler when he was asking all these really vague and slightly out of context questions. He might not know what was exactly going on, but Josh knew when someone needed another person to be around. Tyler was glad that Josh knew that. Never in a million years would Tyler know how to ask someone to stay with him because he's a little scared.

Josh fell asleep and Tyler, eventually, did as well. Maybe it was the presence of another person in the room with him or maybe the fact that this person was his friend, but for once, Tyler fell asleep and didn't wake up in a panic two hours later. For once, Tyler just slept.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey! So I've been trying to find a song for each chapter that kind of reflects the mood/has lyrics that relate to the story line, but sometimes it's hard for me to find one as I listen to a very selective group of bands and musicians. If any of ya'll have any songs that you think fit, or might fit, any of the upcoming chapters, please feel free to leave them in the comments or message them to me somehow. I'm not making promises that I'll use them all, if I get any that is, but it'd be cool if ya'll could help me out. Thanks.

Side note: I have decided that Jebby is not going to be in this. Sorry if you were looking forward to that.