Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

12. The Night's End

**I said it before but I'm saying it again just so you all know. Most of this story is sad and some parts could be triggering to some people. Please read carefully**

It was Wednesday night. It was hot, the humidity was unbearable, and nothing Tyler was doing could cool his room down. He had tried the tactic of studying until his brain fried up, allowing him to pass out without a second thought about the heat, but for once Tyler couldn't get lost in the jumble of big, fancy sounding words.

When the clock struck one in the morning, he started to get scared.

Normally when he was up this late it meant that his mind was moving too fast for him to even think, but today, it was moving too slow. His thoughts were so simple and calm and for once he felt relaxed and it terrified him. He had never felt this calm. Not even when he took that who-knows-how-long bath while watching the entire Lord of the Rings movie series that one time.

Tyler eventually rose from his bed, slipped on a shirt, more-appropriate-for-public basketball shorts, and his shoes. Quietly, he walked down the hallway of his dorm and into the large sitting room at the end. A figure hunched over a book and a canvas in the corner of the room picked his head up at the sound of Tyler's footsteps.

"Hey, Michael," Tyler said, acknowledging the other's presence.

"Hey," he replied. Michael wiped a hand across his brow and smudged what looked like bright purple paint across his forehead. "What are you up to?"

"Taking a walk. Can't sleep," Tyler explained. Michael nodded his head and Tyler asked his what he was painting so late, or rather, early in the morning.

"It's supposed to be a cat for my art class, but right now it looks like a potato. My brother is better at this kind of stuff."

Tyler nodded. He had seen Michael's brother hanging around the dorm a few times. He always seemed to have a sketch book under his arm and a pencil twisting between his fingers. Michael's older brother was cool. A lot more talkative than Michael, but still cool.

"You okay?" Michael asked after a few seconds.

Again Tyler nodded his head, mumbling something about being back soon before heading out the door into the sickening heat.

Tyler walked along the empty sidewalks, weaving in between the dark and empty buildings. Again, Tyler noticed how calm and peaceful everything was. For the first time he had moved down here, for the first time in his life actually, the voices in his head were quiet and the only thing he could hear was his breathing, reminding him that he was still alive, no matter how surreal everything felt to him at the moment.

Eventually Tyler sat down on a bench under a tree on the far side of campus. Bugs flew around the light post that illuminated the small intersection of sidewalks. Tyler watched as the bugs bounced off of the glass protecting the light, only to ram into it again a second later. He didn't understand why they did it, though he was sure someone had explained it to him at some point. It was interesting to watch, he decided. In a strange way, it was entertaining.

A few minutes passed and Tyler heard footsteps approaching the bench he was sat at. The footsteps were slow and light, almost as if they didn't have destination but were sill hesitant to get there. It reminded Tyler of how his footsteps had sounded when he walked over here.

Tyler looked up as the walking figure came closer to him.

It was a girl, he found out. A tall, thin girl with long legs and blonde hair. A jacket hung limp in her arms and her face was cast downwards, as if she were walking on a tightrope and didn't want to lose focus on the wire for fear of falling.

As she drew nearer, she raised her head. Tyler then realized that it wasn't just any blonde girl, but it was the girl he had run into on the first day of school.

She smiled and moved closer to the bench, looking down at Tyler with a question in her eyes. Tyler scooted closer to his end of the bench and gestured for her to sit down. She smiled again and sat herself on the opposite side of the bench from Tyler, her eyes looking far off into the night, with what looked like tears threatening to spill out at any moment.

The two sat in complete silence; both too lost in in their thoughts to initiate any sort of conversation. It wasn't weird though. It was peaceful. It was calm. It was different.

Tyler's thoughts, as well as his eyes, began to wander while he sat next to the unknown girl. He looked from building to building trying to find something. He didn't really know what he was looking for, or if he was even looking for something at all, but his eyes continued to travel from window to tree to bug to door to passing car to blade of grass.

He thought about how everything was going on around him. Life was going on and it didn't matter if he was sitting in that bench to witness it or not. He could be back in his room and that white truck still would have run that red light. He could be back in his old room at his parent's house and those bugs would still try to get into the light. He could be anywhere and life would continue on. He could be nowhere, and there would be no difference.

The realization hit Tyler that if he was dead, nothing in that moment would be different. His absence wouldn't mean anything. There would simply be empty space where he was and no one would know he was supposed to fill it.

The Tyler began to think about how no one would care if he was gone. He didn't have any real friends and his parents wouldn't have to pay for his school any longer. Everything would be easier for everybody else if he just left. If he just permanently ended it all, no one would miss him. Plus, he would be stress free and not have to worry about fighting the demons that lived in his brain every day.

He would be free.

Nothing would change and he would be free.

As the night was coming to an end, he began to think of how and where and for once he wasn't freaking out that he was actually considering this. Normally he would have one thought and then go lock himself in his room to panic until the feeling passed. But not this time. This time he was serious. This time he was going to do it. This time he wasn't stopping.

This time I won't be weak.

A small smile formed on Tyler's lips. He was content with his thoughts and for once he felt like he knew what he was doing. He felt sure. He felt positive. He felt like he finally found his purpose: to die.

Suddenly a voice spoke out into the dark.

"The sun is going to rise soon," the girl next to him said. She sounded distant and on the edge of crying. "See you around."

With that she rose from her seat and walked back down the sidewalk she had come from, leaving Tyler alone on the bench once again. Her words repeated in his head over and over again. They seemed ordinary; something people say all the time, but this felt different to Tyler. Maybe it was the atmosphere or the tone of her voice or maybe the thoughts that had been running through his head that made Tyler really stop and think, but he didn't really care at the moment.

The sun was going to rise, and he was either going to be there to see it, or he wasn't.

The girl as going to go about her day on campus, and he was either going to see her, or he wasn't.

The choice to end it all right then and there was still sitting in the back of his mind, and he was either going to act on it, or he wasn't.

When Tyler got back to his own room, he decided that he wasn't.

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I keep seeing you guys post things like "I understand this" or "I can relate to that". I really hope you all know that you are not as alone as you think you might be and there are people out there who understand, to some degree, what you're going through. It's normal to have thoughts like the ones Tyler has and it's okay to be a little sad and a tad messed up. ((It's also important to get help and realize when you need it even if it's just talking to someone))