Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

26. Confident Coward

The hellish week of finals was finally over, but the real nightmare was only just beginning for Tyler.

It had started with a phone call back home after his last test of the semester. His mother had sounded off the entire conversation, and Tyler understood why as soon as she broke the news. His brother had a tournament in California during the holiday break and they didn't have enough money to fly him out there as well. He would be suck on campus by himself for Christmas.

Tyler didn't quite understand why, but after he hung up and told his mom that he loved her, he cried.

He cried for what felt like hours. Maybe it was because he felt like a second thought to his family. Maybe it was because this wasn't the first time he been left out. Maybe it was because it was the tipping point to his eventual break down. Tyler didn't know the reason. All he knew at that point was pain.

The second kicker was that Josh was going home.

Josh was hesitant about the idea of leaving Tyler all on his own during break. He knew that Tyler was just putting on a mask for everyone, that he was hiding how he really felt. Josh knew that Tyler wasn't as okay as he was letting on. He had seen the bandages that adorned his friend's hips. He had herd the desperate cries in the middle of the night. He had noticed the significant drop in weight.

Eventually Tyler was able to convince Josh that he would be okay. Michael and his brother were staying on campus too, so he would have someone to be around and talk to if he needed it. Josh only agreed after deciding that he was coming home early.

The third thing that set Tyler completely on edge was the fact that the sleeping pills didn't work anymore.

He had taken them so often and depended on them so much that they were useless now. Tyler was still up at all hours, crying and thinking and shaking with fear, trying to convince himself to make it to the morning. His thoughts now swung at him like a battering ram, showing him no mercy now that the pills weren't in the way. His nightmares were back and the haunting images of being alone and being the reason that he was alone wouldn't leave.

And it was only the third day of break.

Somehow Tyler ended up in the lounge room at the end of his dorm hall. He didn't remember leaving his room or even making the decision to leave it; it just kind of happened. Now he was sitting on one of the couches, staring blankly at the TV in front of him and waiting for the time to pass or some brilliant person to come along and end it all for him.

Alone again I see. I guess it's true that no one cares about you, Tyler Joseph.

"Go away," Tyler halfheartedly muttered.

You can never escape me. I'm your only friend.

"That's not true. I have Josh and, and I have Mark. And Jenna!"

Oh goodness me, how could I have forgotten them? I guess it was because none of them are here.

"Shut up," Tyler whispered through his tears.

You now the only way to shut me up is to go down with me, and you're too much of a coward to choose that.

"I'm no coward," Tyler seethed. Anger was boiling up inside of him.

Angry, are we? Are you upset with me? Or your friends and family? I'm not the one who left you all alone, now am I?

Tyler cried out and began to sob into his hands. He couldn't take it anymore. His thoughts were turning against him; pushing back harder whenever he tried to fight them. He was his own worst enemy and he couldn't escape.

Or well, he could, actually, and that realization sparked something deep inside of him.

Tyler Joseph was no coward.

Without remembering how or when he got there, Tyler found himself standing near the edge of the bridge a few blocks from campus. The spot was popular among residents and tourists alike as most nights the bats would fly out from under the bridge at sunset. Tyler had seen some of the pictures Mark had taken of them. He thought it was beautiful

Tyler peered over the edge of the railing and gulped. He wondered if it would be far enough. He hoped he wouldn't have to find out if it wasn't.

Suddenly a feeling of intense calm washed over Tyler, followed by a strong wave of why.

"I'm not a coward," Tyler said quietly. He took two steps closer to the edge and sighed. A million thoughts were racing through his mind. It was all too much for him, but it also wasn't enough. The battle inside of him was raging on at full force. Inside his chest, something broke. "But I'm also not an idiot."

He took a step back and shoved his hands in his pockets. He let out a small, shaky sigh and blinked away a tear.

His feet moved on their own after that. He let them taken him down side streets and across roads. He let them walk where they wanted and lead him deeper into the city.

Tyler had never been to the place he had stopped in front of. He had walked past it once with Josh on their way to get food, but that had been during the day. Now, it was dark. Now the city was alive. Now there was no going back.

Tyler walked up to the doors and pushed them open. Immediately he was hit with a wall of smoke and sweat. Tyler's mind was yelling at him to leave, but his feet disobeyed.

Tyler waked right up to the bar and sat down. Usually he was be terrified of these kinds of situations and would never have even considered coming here, especially alone. But tonight was different. Tonight Tyler had a bit of false confidence.

"Ya old enough to be here, kid?" the guy behind the bar asked. He had a cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth and the tattoos on his knuckles were faded.

Tyler shook his head.

The man shrugged and set glass full of a light brown liquid down in front of Tyler.

"If I don't charge ya, no one can prove that you were here," the man said quietly. "Keep quiet, kid. And don't mess with the guys over at the pool table. They ain't looking for no game of pool.''

Tyler's eyes widened slightly as he caught a glimpse of the men the bartender was talking about. The smallest one was at least twice Tyler's size.

"Yes sir," Tyler mumbled.

"Good," the man rasped. "Now drink up."

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I may be stepping over some sort of boundary, but what I have to say is important. If you're having any thoughts, please, I beg of you, reach out to someone and get help. I know how hard that can be, but I know you can do it. Whether it be a freind or a parent or someone online; it dosn't matter. Your life is worth so much and you are extremely important. Never give in and keep pushing through. I believe in you.