Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

19. Watch It Burn

It wasn’t even noon yet and Tyler had had to escape his family. He loved them to pieces, but their constant questions about his future and never ceasing states of happiness was taking its toll. How come they could all be so carefree? How come they didn’t stop every moment and think about how that one small decision could change everything? How could they be content with what life they had and continue to live it even though there are so many terrifying things in the future?

Oh, yeah. That’s right. It’s because they were normal.

Because they were something Tyler could never be, no matter how hard he tried.

So that’s why he had to escape. That’s why he came to the tree house, no wait, his tree house. He needed to get away. He needed to clear his head, he needed to get rid of the match he was holding?

Tyler stared at the small piece of wood in his hand. He didn’t know why he had it or where he got it, but it didn’t really concern him. It felt normal to have it dancing between his fingers. It felt normal to sit among the canopy of trees and bundles of leaves, all of which were very capable of burning, and play with something that started fires.

Suddenly the air was full of smoke. Tyler stood up and realized that he wasn’t holding the match anymore.

He had dropped the match and everything was burning.

Tyler knew he should run. He knew he should get out of the trees and call for help, but he couldn’t move. His favorite place in the entire world was going up in flames and he wasn’t able to move a single inch. All he could do was stand there and watch everything burn around him. It was hot, it was dark, and it was terrifying, yet all Tyler did was repeat one word over and over. One word that he hoped would reach his parents ears. One word that he hoped would fix everything when it was over.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry! I didn’t mean it! I’m sorry!”

“Tyler!”

His eyes shot open.

He was in his dorm room. Josh was standing over him with a worried look on his face. There was light shining in through his window. His heart was beating way too fast. There was no fire. There was no tree house. Tyler breathed a sigh of relief and covered his face with his hands.

Everything was okay.

“Tyler, man, are you okay?” Josh asked him. “And don’t give me some lame excuse.”

“I, uhm, yeah. Now, I mean,” Tyler struggled to form a single sentence. “It was a dream. Just a dream.”

“What was it about?” Josh sat down on Tyler’s bed next to him. “I mean you were screaming, so it must have been pretty bad.”

“It was.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Josh asked hesitantly. He knew how Tyler liked to keep things to himself. He knew that Tyler never shared much. That knowledge wasn’t going to stop him from asking, though.

“Y- yeah,” Tyler stuttered.

Josh looked at him with slightly wide eyes. He hadn’t been expecting Tyler to agree to talking about something so personal. Over the past few weeks he had noticed how on edge Tyler had been. Maybe it was the fact that exams had just passed or the fact that they were going home to visit their families that sparked the worst of Tyler’s anxieties, but no matter what it was, it was driving him up the wall with fidgeting hands and unsteady breaths. Josh had been worried, of course, and every chance he got, he snuck a look at Tyler’s arms.

He never saw anything new.

“I was, uh, at home. With my family,” Tyler began. “I don’t know where you were, you weren’t in it, but I was at my tree house. I was alone, and I had a match?”

Tyler paused and a confused look slipped onto his face, replacing the panic that had been there moments before. Josh nodded for him to continue.

“And, and I was playing with the match. Like, between my fingers, and then all of the sudden, everything was burning,” Tyler said quietly. “The tree house, the trees, everything. Everything was burning. I was burning.”

“Oh, Ty,” Josh consoled. “But it wasn’t real. None of that happened. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispered.  He was staring off into the distance and his eyes were glossing over with tears.

“I know you are, Ty. I know,” Josh said. “But if we’re going to get to the hotel before midnight, we have to leave now.”

Tyler snapped out of his thoughts and shook his head, the look of confusion never leaving his face. “Yeah, yeah of course.”

Originally, the two had planned to leave for home two days before Thanksgiving, filling both of those days with just driving, but after Josh noticed how strung up about everything Tyler had been, he suggested they leave as soon as their break started and spend a few days at the inn Tyler had stayed at on his way to college. Tyler had promptly agreed, partly because he loved the trees he had seen there and figured that now would be his chance to climb them since climbing with a friend is more always safer, and partly because he really did need a break, though he would never admit it.

An hour later, the two were on the highway. Josh had offered to drive first, so Tyler sat in the passenger’s side and stared out the window, trying to block out the fact that there was no music to drown out his thoughts.

The fire, the flames, the burning, the pain pain pain pain, your fault all your fault, Tyler.

“Hm?” Tyler asked. Josh was glancing over at him as if expecting an answer to a question.

“I said, do you want to put on some music?” Josh repeated.

“Oh, yeah,” Tyler replied. He plugged his phone into Josh’s car and chose a song that he knew they both liked. He smiled to himself as the beat of the drums rattled his chest and the melodies swam around in his head, making peace with and silencing the violent thoughts of fire flames fire pain your fault, Tyler, your fault.

Josh was singing along and tapping out the beat on the steering wheel when they pulled into the Forest Inn. They had switched off driving only once, but after Tyler fell asleep in the passenger’s seat for the second time, Josh figured that it would be best to let him be. Who knows how much sleep he actually got with that nightmare?

“Tyler, time to go in,” Josh said as he shook his shoulder.

“Hm? We’re there?”

“Yeah.”

Tyler stumbled out of the car and grabbed his backpack, following Josh inside. The lady behind the counter was the same one that Tyler had met before, and when she saw him, she recognized him immediately.

“Well, hello there!” she greeted them. “Welcome back! You brought a friend this time, I see!”

Tyler blushed and hung his head slightly. “Yeah.”

“Now, will that be one room or two rooms?”

Tyler was about to say something, but Josh spoke up. “If you have a room with two separate beds that would be great.”

“Oh of course!”

Tyler and Josh found themselves in a room much like the one Tyler had stayed in before, but this one had two beds instead of one and none of the floral patterns matched. Still, the tow found it oddly charming.

The rest of the night was spent calling mothers and siblings and telling them that they would be there soon, and playing games online while eating the poptarts and energy bars that they had packed. When they finally decided to call it a night, they turned out the lights. Tyler took his sleeping pills and prayed and hoped that the rest of the night would be filled with nothing but the peaceful sounds of crickets chirping outside the inn.

For once, he actually got what he wanted.

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I think I have an ending in mind for this story. We shall see.