Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

17. I'll Be Here

Tyler was in a daze. Everything around him seemed to be happening unbelievably slow yet fast at the same time. The minutes dragged on but suddenly Tyler was aware that he had been sitting in the same spot for two hours. He wasn’t sure at which point he had woke up, or decided to take a shower, but he found himself sitting at the fast food restaurant across the street from campus with dripping hair and a half eaten burger. He didn’t even know he had been hungry, or how he got there, or if he had told anyone where he was going.

The next thing he knew was that he was sitting in the bench from all those nights ago, watching cars pass through the intersection and students walking around from building to building. Was it a week day? Should he be in class? Why are those people wearing jackets? It is cold?

Tyler felt himself stand up and begin to walk back to his dorm. He didn’t know what time it was but he was aware that he was shivering.

It must be cold, he thought. I should have worn a jacket.

Back in his room, Tyler sat on the edge of his bed. His fingers played with the sleeves of his long sleeved t-shirt. His wrists burned. His whole body burned. Every inch of his skin was on fire and every cell in his brain was yelling at him.

Stupid! How could you be so stupid?! Why would you do that? You had tried so hard!

Then another voice; this one darker and more threatening. It had a hint of pride and malice in its tone while it screamed over his other thoughts.

But you wanted to. It felt good. You’re going to do it again.

“No,” Tyler said to himself. “I’m stronger than that.”

No you’re not. Look at what you did last night.

Tyler’s eyes darted across the room, struggling to look somewhere, anywhere, other than his hands. They settled on the bottle of sleeping pills. If only he had taken them last night. If only he had remembered. If only if only if only….

“Tyler!”

There was a knock on his door. Tyler turned his face towards it. He thought about opening it. He came face to face with Josh. Apparently his body was listening to him. He put on a smile.

“Josh,” Tyler said.

“You ready for Mark’s party?”

“Yeah.”

That was hours ago, though. Tyler didn’t know how all that time had passed, but time seemed to be a foreign concept to him today. The only thing he was aware of was just how many times his wrists came into contact with something.

46 times.

Pain shot through his arm. He took another sip from the water bottle in his hands. Mark had lots of different drinks available. Tyler didn’t drink. He ran his hand through his hair.

47.

He vaguely remembered Josh running off to go convince one of the people from his art history class to write his essay for him. Apparently the guy was a happy drunk and agreed to anything. Tyler took another sip. More pain.

48.

Tyler also remembered having a conversation with Jenna. She had been here with a friend. Tyler didn’t remember her name, but who could blame him. Between trying not to blush around Jenna or have his sleeves fall down too much, Tyler had a lot on his mind. He wasn’t too sure of what they talked about, but he managed to make them laugh and keep on a convincing smile. That’s all that really matter to him.

 Tyler was in the middle of trying not to look at the corner of the room when Josh came up to him. Ryan was busy making out with someone who had a big forehead. Tyler didn’t know who it was, but hey, if the guy kept Ryan from trying to talk to Tyler about that weird book he had read, they could make out all night for all Tyler cared, as long as he didn’t have to see it.