Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

9. A Dinner-Taco Kind Of Guy

As soon as Josh woke him up by persistently poking him in the side with his foot, Tyler knew something was off. He felt different. Like he had come to some sort of realization late in the night and everything suddenly made sense. Like he figured out the meaning of life sometime during his dreamless sleep. He felt warm. He felt content. He felt rested.

"I didn't, like, wake up in the middle of the night or anything, did I?" Tyler asked when he unfolded himself from his spot against the wall.

"No, you were out all night. I fell off the bed one point and you were still asleep," Josh answered. The question sparked a feeling of worry inside Josh, but he didn't let his voice or face give anything away. He could tell letting Tyler know that he was worried about him was going to do nothing to help his friend.

Tyler sighed in relief at Josh's response. He couldn't believe that he actually slept the entire night without waking up from a nightmare. They had been getting progressively worse each night he slept in his dorm room. The fact that he was actually on his own and being completely independent was finally sinking into him and giving him all sorts of anxieties and worries, or, at least that what he told himself. But maybe things were getting better. Maybe everything was going to be okay, just like Josh had told him last night.

"So," Josh yawned as he stood up and stretched, "I've got class in about three hours and you've got one at eight, right?"

Tyler nodded. He had thought that once he graduated high school he wouldn't have to wake up insanely early any more for classes, but he had been sorely mistaken. Eight o'clock speech, halfway across campus. The perfect start to every Monday for the rest of the year.

"Why don't we go grab some tacos?" Tyler found himself suggesting.

He was a little surprised at his prospect. Normally he would only eat when it seemed that he would either die without some sort of food, or if the person he was with at the moment threatened to shove it down his throat. Plus he didn't even like tacos, or at least not breakfast tacos. He was more of a dinner-taco kind of guy.

"Sounds sweet," Josh smiled. "Let's go." He stood up and opened Tyler's door, tossing Tyler's keys to him as he went.

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows together. "Aren't you like, gonna change or anything? I mean..." his words faded away and he motioned towards Josh's current wardrobe.

"Nah, I'm good. I believe in a strong first impression."

Tyler shook his head and laughed. He threw on a pair of shoes and was soon following Josh out of their dorm hall and to his car.

The tacos were actually really, really good, Tyler found out. They were so much different that dinner-tacos and way better than any of the tacos he had had back home. The six discarded aluminum foil wrappers that covered the table told Tyler that Josh felt the same.

When eight o'clock rolled around, Tyler stumbled into his speech class with dripping hair and hardly any breath in his lungs. He had extremely underestimated the amount of time it took to cross the campus on foot and take a shower. Plus it didn't help that there was this really pretty blond girl he had run into on his way over. Of course Tyler took the time to help her up and make sure she was okay. He also apologized, ten times, before she insisted that really she was okay and hoped that he had a good day. He was still sort of blushing.

Tyler had barely taken five steps into the room when a familiar voice called out his name.

"Tyler Joseph!"

Tyler snapped his head in the direction of the voice, completely puzzled for a few seconds. He was pretty sure he didn't know anyone on campus besides Josh, but then he saw who was waving at him from the middle of the sea of chairs.

"Hey, Mark," Tyler greeted.

Mark waved him over to the spot next to him and Tyler halfheartedly set down his bag. He would much rather sit somewhere towards the back, or at least on the far side of the room, but it was impossible to say no to Mark, especially when he wore a smile like he had been friends with you for years.

"How have you been?" Mark asked excitedly. Tyler thought he looked a lot more comfortable in this setting than at the hotel. Back there it had seemed as though someone had forced the uncomfortable looking uniform onto the guy, but now Mark acted completely relaxed as if he was in his element. He probably is, Tyler thought.

"Pretty good, I guess. You?"

"Oh, I'm great. Did you meet anyone yet? Have a good roommate?" Mark was almost talking a mile a minute. Tyler wasn't sure how anyone could possibly be so awake at such an early hour in the morning, but then he saw an energy drink on the table in front of Mark, and another one sticking out of his bag.

"No, no roommate, but I met this guy Josh."

"No roommate? You're one of those undeclared ones, huh?" Mark mused.

Tyler blushed a little bit. He was so terrified of the future that he felt physically ill when he was told that he had to make up his mind about a career before even stepping foot in college. He decided being undeclared was the route for him, even if the fact that not knowing his future scared him, too.

"No, don't be embarrassed 'bout it. I was undeclared my first year. Then I ran into someone and found my passion. Oh god, that sounds so cheesy, doesn't it?" Mark laughed. Tyler joined in and they fell into a conversation about the technicalities of media related things, Mark supplying most of the conversation as he was the one who was trying to major in it, until the professor showed up.

When the class was over, Tyler waved goodbye to Mark, made a promise to hang out sometime, and headed off to the building where his next class was going to be.

Tyler spent the rest of the day listening to welcome lectures and class procedures. The professors in college were a lot less strict than anything Tyler had encountered in high school. Three of them had asked to be called by their first names and another had the mouth of a sailor.

When he finally collapsed onto his bed after his last class, Tyler let his eyes drift close. He braced himself for the inevitable onslaught of thoughts and voices to come and pick him apart and point out everything wrong he had done throughout the day, and sure enough, there they were.

He hadn't even done anything. All he did was sit and listen, but no, apparently he couldn't even do that right. The way he had talked to the girl he ran into that morning was embarrassing and his voice had sounded stupid. The way he hadn't really said much when he was talking to Mark. The way he walked into his calculus class and sat down. It was all wrong and embarrassing and stupid and wrong and Tyler honestly didn't think he would mind if his bed swallowed him up right now and he never saw the light of day again.

Tyler groaned. Things hadn't always been like this. There used to be a time when he excitedly told everyone what he had learned while they ate. There was a time when meeting new people was fun. Back then he didn't have all of his mind numbing insecurities and sickening thoughts. Back then everything was easier; talking to people, sitting in a chair, asking a question. Tyler wished he could go back to when everything made sense, or at least, remember it, but just like everything else, it wasn't that easy. He was stuck in a world where his demons controlled his actions and every possible good day led to a regret filled evening and a sleepless night.

Maybe Josh hadn't been as right as Tyler initially thought.