Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

25. Final Moments

The air outside was colder than it had been all year. The threat of a cold drifted down hallways, where the occasional cough and sniffle could be heard behind the closed doors. The library was full to the brim of people reading and typing furiously away at their laptops, yet no soul uttered a word. The cafeteria was serving more "home cooked" meals, and if one was quiet enough, they would be able to hear the distant sounds of muffled crying.

Finals week was on the horizon and no one was prepared for the amount of stress that came along in the form of a tidal wave.

With a heavy sigh, Tyler let his textbook fall to the floor. His notes from the lecture didn't make any sense and the book wasn't helping. He sat up and brushed away the half empty packet of poptarts and two empty energy drinks. It had been all he had eaten all weekend, but Tyler had gone longer with even less food, so he figured he would be alright.

Tyler rubbed his eyes as he walked towards his door. He hadn't seen Josh in about two days due to all of the last minute studying.

"Josh?" Tyler called out when he reached his friends door. He knew it was unlocked but out of courtesy he still knocked.

"Who is it?" came Josh's strained reply.

Tyler knitted his eyebrows together. He was sure that Josh knew his voice by now. He was also sure the Josh's voice sounded like he had been crying.

"It's Tyler. Can I come in?"

A few seconds of silence passed.

"Yeah. But only you. No one else."

Tyler frowned even more and pushed open the door. Josh was seated on his bed with his blanket around his shoulders. His cheeks were bright pink, almost matching his quickly fading hair, and his eyes were blood shot. His entire body was shaking and his breathing was ragged. Tyler stepped forward, a guess as to what was going on already forming inside of his head.

"Are you okay?" Tyler asked as softly as he could.

Josh's eyes darted around his room and his fingers twitched at his sides.

"What makes you think I'm not okay? I'm fucking dandy right now," Josh said with a humorless laugh. A lone tear slipped down his face.

"Josh," Tyler replied. "You're crying. What's up?"

Josh shook his head. Tyler didn't know if that meant he didn't want to talk or if he was just trying to rid his mind of some vile thought. Tyler often did that.

"I've never been good at handling stress," Josh said after a while. "I told you what I used to do. Since I stopped doing that, I've gotten really bad anxiety attacks or whatever when I've felt too stressed because I'll remind myself of what I used to do and freak out, which only adds to initial feeling of panic. I don't know how to stop them."

Tyler sat down next to his friend and let Josh lean on him. He knew that when he was like this he just needed something stable to hold onto until whatever was happening had passed. Maybe Josh needed something like that, too.

"Why does this have to happen?" Josh asked Tyler.

"I don't," Tyler hesitated, "I don't know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it' not."

"Really, Ty. It's okay. You don't have to say anything, you know," Josh said.

"I just feel so bad that I can't think of anything to say to you. I can usually write pages upon pages of words with deep and thoughtful meaning that can make a difference in someone's life, but when it comes to the things that really matter to me, like helping you, I can't say anything," Tyler said in all one breath. "I feel so bad because you're always the one helping me when I need it and when you need me I can't do anything but sit next to you."

Josh sat up from Tyler's side and looked into his eyes. Tyler's were wide and desperate, pain shooting through the brown irises, while Josh's were simultaneously calm and panicked.

Slowly, with a surprisingly strong and calm voice, Josh began to speak. "It's okay, Tyler. We're broken people. What are you going to do? Right now all I need is for someone to sit by me anyways."

Tyler gave him a small, reassuring smile. "If you're there for me, and even if you're not, I'll always be there for you."

"Right by my side?"

"Right by your side."

Josh let out a laugh. "This sounds like some cheesy sequel for a cliché love story."

"It does, doesn't it?" Tyler laughed as well.

"All we need now is to move into apartments across the hall from each other and get lost in the city and we'll be set."

Tyler smiled. "Let's make it through college first."

Eventually Josh calmed down enough to continue studying. After an hour Tyler convinced him that they both deserved a pizza, or really, the sound of their rumbling stomachs was becoming too much to handle. The walked the short distance to the on campus restaurant and ordered the largest pizzas the place served.

When they were finished with their meal they each wandered back to their own rooms to continue studying. Josh had his first final early in the morning, and Tyler had two in the afternoon which he was pretty sure was against the rules, but he wasn't about to complain.

As the night drew nearer, the thoughts in Tyler's head slowly began to mutate from those of biology to those of eventual and inevitable future. He reached for his bottle of sleeping pills, but it was empty. It was also too late to go to the store to buy more. With a racing heart beat and the desire to do something, Tyler turned off his lights, clasped his hands together under his sheets, and closed his eyes, preparing himself to battle the nightmares that were slowly creeping in.