Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

24. Hate Is A Strong Word

Tyler was pacing the length of his room. His new black jeans, which he had been saving to wear for a special occasion, were bunching awkwardly at his knees from the constant standing up ad sitting down that he was doing in between laps across his room. His hesitant fingers fiddled with the bottom button of his white shirt. Josh sat on Tyler's bed with a worried and concerned expression chiseled into his face. Every now and then Josh would open his mouth as if to say something, but he would immediately snap it shut. He didn't think there was anything he could say to Tyler to calm him down.

Inside Tyler's head his thoughts were racing a mile a minute. They had been slowing down progressively over the days, but ever since Jenna sent that text, his thoughts turned into bees and the buzzing didn't seem like it would stop anytime soon.

What if she hates me?

Shut up, you already know that she does.

But now she's going to say it to my face.

It was bound to happen someday, kid.

What if I mess everything up?

You're going to. You always do. Why would this time be any different?

"Josh, I can't do this," Tyler muttered desperately for the twelfth time.

Josh reached out and took ahold of Tyler's hand as he walked past the bed. Josh closed his own hand around Tyler's and made him stop walking to take a deep breath.

"Yes, you can Tyler. It's going to be okay."

"No it's not!" Tyler cried out. "I'm going to tell her that I'm not ready for a relationship and she's going to laugh at me and never want to see me again!"

"You've been saying that all day. You're psyching yourself out. Everything is going to be okay," Josh reassured. He spoke with a soft voice, trying to calm Tyler down doing what he knew worked best.

Tyler collapsed on the bed next to Josh and buried his face into his pillow. He liked Jenna, he really really did, and he wanted to have something with her, but he didn't think he was ready for that. His past relationship[s hadn't helped much either. People didn't seem to care too much about the long term effects of emotional abuse. Tyler was still scared to trust people, to get close to them on that level, to accept his feelings for them.

Tyler's phone went off.

"It's almost seven. Do you want me to walk with you to Jenna's building?" Josh asked.

Tyler sat up and slowly shook his head. The headache he had gotten from all of this thoughts was still pounding loudly within his head.

"No," Tyler replied. "I should be okay."

Josh gave him small smile and walked him to the door.

"Have fun, Ty," Josh called out as Tyler walked down the hallway. "Everything will be okay!"

Tyler hunched hos shoulders as he walked down the empty sidewalk. It was cold, but Tyler liked the cold. It always managed to make him feel alive no matter how dead he felt inside.

"Everything will be okay," Tyler repeated Josh's words to himself. "Everything will be okay."

When Tyler finally made it to Jenna's door, he paused. His fist was raised and ready to knock, but his heart was pounding too fast for him to concentrate on bringing his knuckles to the wood. Eventually though, he managed.

"Hey," Jenna smiled as she stepped out into the hallways of her dorm building.

"Hey," Tyler replied.

Jenna's hair was curled to frame her face perfectly and the way the light caught her eyes made Tyler have to convince himself that yes, this was real life.

They walked side by side to the restaurant that wasn't far from campus. Neither made an attempt to hold the other's hand. The air surrounding them wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, but rather inviting and friendly.

They sat through the meal laughing with each other and exchanged stories, talking on a deeper level than they ever had before. Neither feel pressured into sharing something, and for once Tyler felt comfortable out in public laughing too loud and smiling too much. With Jenna his insecurities seemed to be nonexistent. She made him feel safe.

After the bill had come and they had paid, they made their way out onto the patio that over looked a small stream at the back of the restaurant. They stood close to each other as it had gotten colder since they first arrived.

"So you said you had something important to tell me," Tyler spoke up. Jenna nodded her head slowly. "I have something important to tell you as well."

Jenna's eyebrows raised up a bit and Tyler could see something along the look of panic cross her face. Tyler took a deep breath.

"Jenna," he started. "I really like you, like a lot, but I don't think that, what I'm saying is, I can't..."

Jenna reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Take your time," she whispered.

Tyler smiled softly before he continued. "I don't think I', quite ready to have a relationship, and I don't know how you feel about it all, but I didn't want to seem like I was leading you on or anything."

Suddenly Jenna breathed a sigh of relief.

"I was thinking the same thing, and I didn't know how to tell you," she admitted. "I like you a whole lot, too, but things have been so crazy lately and I'm not sure I could handle a relationship just yet."

Tyler smiled. "So we're on the same page then?"

"Looks like it."

Tyler sighed and buried his face in his hands. "Oh, thank God. I was worried you were going to hate me or something."

Jenna laughed. "That's impossible. I could never, even in a million years, hate you."

Tyler didn't know if it was possible for a heart to smile, but he was pretty sure he just found out what it would feel like.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the wait! I finally got some free time to sit down and write. Finals were absolutely killer. (Also, reminder that the sequel to No Matter What is going to be posted soon!)