Good Enough

Julian Ortega - Reading Between the Lines

Julian Ortega wasn't always so sad and stressed and just...alone. It was a slow process that took some time.

His mom left him when he was six, and while that sounds young, this is one of the first things that drove Julian into a downwards spiral. The minute he got home to see his dad's somber face saying, "Mom isn't coming back Julian", his little heart broke into what felt like a million pieces.

He began to tell himself everything he had done wrong. That one time he had left his Legos out. When he didn't eat his vegetables. When he got a time-out. The multitude of reasons that explained why his mother left added up in his six year old mind until that was all he knew. His thoughts were too occupied by the many reasons he was useless and worthless that by the time he was 10, and then there was no going back. That was the truth. Julian ortega was nothing but useless, worthless, unlovable, and a disappointment.

When Julian turned 12, his older brother Mateo started becoming amazing. He had always been the brighter of the two brothers, but even more so now. He only got straight As, he played sports, he wasn't bad looking, but he was also an actually a good person. Nice.

One day Julian was sitting in his room, door closed, when he realized that his mother had clearly only left when he was born. She was waiting around to see if Julian was going to be as amazing as his brother. When she realized that he wasn't going to be, she left. And maybe if Julian tried to be like his brother, his mother would come back.

From that day forward, Julian decided that he would try to be just like his brother. He did all the same clubs, sports, classes. Everything. But none of it made him happy.

In reality, it just made him feel worse. Julian was always trying to push himself to be more, to be better, but it never seemed to work. It only ended in more self destruction.

As the years passed, Julian started to hate himself more and more. Small things would matter to him, and everytime he was overlooked or ignored, he couldn't help but think, "They hate me they hate me they hate me they're going to leave me too because I'll never be enough". Every. Single. Time. Julian hated how weak was, and he tried to escape his thoughts. But they chased him. The fact that he was worthless ate him alive inside, and there was no escaping his mind.

In school he maintained the appearance of a put together person, even though he really just floated through the halls like a ghost. He wasn't invisible, but he didn't let people get close ever.

So when he was sixteen, he tried to end it all. He tried to take a blade and cut himself just the right way that he would die a slow and painful death, because the least he deserved. But his brother found him and stopped him, ruining Julian's plan. Julian was going to try again, but he hadn't had the chance to. He had been too busy trying to keep up with track and cross country and volleyball and basketball, and school work on top of that.

But the minute Julian got the chance to, he was going to try again.

And this time, he wasn't going to fail.