Good Enough

Julian - "I'm proud of you"

It's Saturday morning now, the day Mia and I agreed to go get a coffee. As I'm getting ready in the morning, a small smile is brought to my face when I realize I'm not as pale anymore. I've been able to get a few good hours of sleep each night, and Mateo has been home more often. It makes my life more annoying, but he calms Dad down. I haven't had any problems with him in the past week, not since the incident with the bottle.

When I went to school the next day, my friends automatically asked me what was wrong. I told them the same story I told Mateo, except I changed my "friend's" cat to my "cousin's" cat. I even said it with a smile and a lighthearted tone. There was no room for questions, because my lying - as always - was flawless.

I don't like to call it lying though. I think of it more as retaining the truth for the well being of others.

I mess around with my hair until it stays in a semi-decent way and then double check to make sure the bathroom door is locked. I always change in the bathroom now, since I'm scared of Mateo seeing.

I take my shirt off quickly, but I can't help but catch a look of myself in the mirror and all the angry white lines on my tan stomach. Or well, they're more so on my side. But still. I run my fingers over them, thoughts running through my head as I do.

Useless.

You see those scars? More proof you're weak.

God, don't you hate it?

Hate looking at it?

Hate yourself?

Of course I do, I think. I hate myself so goddamn much.

Good.

At least you're not in denial

I sigh loudly. I slip a shirt on, happy for the disgusting scars to be covered. I slip off the basketball shorts I was sleeping in, which exposes a entirely different collection of scars. There aren't as many of these, because I was scared when I made them. Only like five on each thigh, but they're thin and hardly noticeable. I put jeans on before I look at them for too long and then I'm done getting ready.

I had time to get to the coffee shop, since I planned on taking the bus, so I woke up way earlier. I go down stairs and of course Mateo is already awake. Sometimes I really want to punch his perfect face for just always being such a good person. He wakes up early, he goes to a good university, and already has a steady job helping a paralegal. He's a good son and a good brother. There's so much to love about him, it makes you wonder what the hell happened with me.

I walk into the kitchen and grab a glass of water before sitting down across from Mateo at the table. "Do you never sleep in?"

He looks up from his open laptop and smiles. "Not really. I have a lot of things to do. I don't have time for sleeping in."

You shouldn't sleep in either.

He looks at how I'm already dressed to go out and gives me a questioning look. "Going out this early?"

I shake my head. "Not yet. In a few."

"How are you getting there?"

"Bus I guess. Walking? I don't know."

"Where are you going?"

You know, I remember the time when Mateo and I could be somewhat more normal brothers. But after everything happened last year, he's permanently launched into this protective older brother who asks interrogation style questions. He'll definitely make a good lawyer one day.

"Out. I have to meet with someone for a school project."

"I can drive y-."

And be a bother and more a burden? You can walk. You need the exercise. "No, don't worry about it. aren't you working later?"

"Yeah I am. But come on just let me drive you."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Stop acting like a hormonal thirteen year old girl. Just let me drive you."

"No. And I'm not acting like a girl!"

"Yes, you are. But fine."

I get from the table and roll my eyes, thankful that he let it go. I start to head back upstairs to work on a project when Mateo calls me back down.

"What is it?" I asked irritated.

"Two things, actually. For one, wrists- don't roll your eyes at me. And second, you need to eat something."

I walk back down the stairs, annoyance radiating from me. "Maybe I wouldn't roll my eyes if you realized that a whole year has gone by and you have found absolutely nothing on my wrists. When are you going to give it up?"

"I haven't decided yet."

I sigh and stick out my arms to him, since I'm already wearing a short sleeve shirt. Mateo looks at them quickly, and of course doesn't find what he's looking for.

"Okay, but now eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Too bad. Eat."

I groan and grab a bowl and pour myself some cereal, pouring in milk before making a show of eating it. Mateo lets out a frustrated sigh. I know I must irritate him so much.

We both keep eating in silence until I finish and go to put the dish in the dish washer. Before I can walk out of the kitchen, Mateo says something.

"I'm proud of you, you know."

Something swells in my chest when he says that, and a smile forms on my face. "Really?"

No. He's lying. Don't be so dense.

Mateo smiles back at me. "Of course I am. You're practically top of your class, you do amazing in all these sports, and even though you tried to kill yourself, you're still doing good."

Oh yes. What if he found out about you other scars? Or what Dad does when he's not home? He wouldn't say you're doing good then

He wouldn't. Which is exactly why he can't know. "Oh. Uh. Thanks I guess."

Mateo nods and hurry up the stairs, grabbing my wallet, keys and phone before going back downstairs. Mateo is still sitting and eating his waffle while working on his laptop.

"I'll see you later," I call out before opening the door and slamming it shut. I'll just do the project later. I'll just get there early and work at the coffee shop. The bus takes forever anyways.

I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Almost time for my kind of date.

***

Yeah so this is just a filler chapter. Next one will be their kinda sorta date thing. Until then, adios! (IK this was trash, s o r r y )

- MM