Good Enough

Mia - Ruining Everything

I pick nervously at the edge of my corduroy skirt. Maybe I shouldn't have worn a skirt. My enormous thighs are practically screaming for attention. Not to mention this shirt that's kind of tight on me. And what if I'm too dressed up? Julian didn't even tell me where we were going. He just said to dress nicely. He never even said the word date. I just sort of...hoped?

A date with someone like me? Yeah right. Julian must know thousands of other girls from his clubs and sports. When we walk together in the hall people are always talking to him. If this isn't a date, then I'm too dressed up. But what if it is a date and I'm dressed down-

A loud ring at the door makes me stand up from my seat on the couch. I had texted Julian my address earlier. He said he wanted to be a gentleman and pick me up, even though we were walking. I didn't mind the walking. I liked walking with Julian. Whenever he'd brush his shoulder or hand against mine it made my heart and stomach take a nosedive on a rollercoaster. 

"Honey who's at the door?"

I can feel my cheeks tint pink, not even realizing I had been daydreaming about Julian. Again. "Uh, it's for me mom. I'm going out!" I call back. 

Mom appears in the doorway with a bag of veggie straws in her hand. A "healthy" alternative to chips she said. We both know it's not true. I try and swallow down my disgust and smile at her. "It's just a friend, you'd don't have to meet him or anything."

"him?" she says, raising her eyebrows suggestively. "Maybe I should meet this friend."

Oh god no. "Not necessary Mom. Now we're going to be late to our movie so I'll see you later."

I don't bother waiting for her response before I open the door and slip outside, walking right into Julian chest. He reaches out to steady me, placing his hands gently on my shoulders. 

Anddddd the rollercoaster is back on. I blush a little before closing the door behind me. "Sorry."

Julian smiles at me. "No problem. Ready?"

I return the smile lightly. "You haven't even told me where we're going."

"Does it matter?"

What I really want to know is if this is a date. Feels like one. "I guess not." I reply.

Somewhere along the way to where we're headed, Julian's hand slips into mine. His hand is kind of clammy, but I could care less. I can't even hide my smile. 

Julian stops when we're downtown. It's a Subway. 

I glance up at him and find him smiling nervously. "I didn't want to mess up on where to get food... and I remember you told me once that your favorite place to get food was Subway. So... is this okay?"

I chuckle softly. "I can't believe you even remembered. Yeah, we can eat here."

We bother order, except I only get a 6 inch sandwich because there's no way I could pretend to eat anything else. Julian pays for both of us after many protests from me, and I can't help but feel guilty to have him pay for food I didn't necessarily want. Of course I'd have to eat it now, but keeping it down was another thing entirely. 

Julian takes a hold of my hand again, seemingly leading me out of the restaurant. I walk beside him but can't help from asking, "Where are we going?"

He doesn't answer me and I sigh. I don't know when Julian turned into someone so mysterious. It'd be frustrating if I didn't kind of like it. 

We keep walking and I can clearly see the park in view, the same one from when we hung out that other time. The tree we climbed is straight ahead.  I smile at Julian when he lets go of my hand and turns to face me.

He grins back. "Race ya."

***

"So everything in this town is within walking distance?" I ask, picking out a soggy cucumber from my sandwich. Julian swallows the food in his mouth before answering. 

"Just the good stuff. If you wanted to go to the hospital or I don't know, Home Depot, you'd probably have a good fifteen minute drive from here."

I nod and we fall into another silence until Julian offers his drink to me. I opted for water, but he got a Seven Up instead. 140 calories. I shake my head no. 

"Suit yourself." He takes a swig before tilting his head, studying me. "You like never eat."

I have to force myself not to panic. He's not accusing me of anything, I remind myself. Brush it off. "I'm eating right now dummy."

Julian tilts his head. "Yeah but...you never eat lunch. Aren't you hungry?"

"Aren't you?" I shoot back defensively. "I don't see you whipping out a buffet at lunch either."

"School lunch is gross; I eat at home."

I cross my arms over my chest. "So do I."

I tun my head to look at the late night dog walkers circling the park. I don't want to look at his face, because I don't want to see if he believes it. It doesn't matter if he does or he doesn't, because he can't do anything about it. 

"Sorry," Julian says quietly. "I didn't mean to ask something that makes you uncomfortable."

I shrug. "No worries."

The silence between us only last a few minutes before Julian starts talking about something stupid he did with his friends and I'm laughing along with him. I even tell him a few stories about Her, leaving out all the bad parts about our friendship. I don't even know how much time I've spent here in the park with Julian. Somehow during the conversation, I've turned  towards him, moving closer to him until we're touching. If I leaned forward right now...

He saying something, but I'm barely paying attention. I'm watching the way his lips move, and how when he thinks something he's saying is particularly amusing, his lips will quirk up a little. 

"I forgot to tell you Mia... you look especially pretty today-"

My eyes widen when I hear that. He called me pretty. My heart is practically doin backflips in my chest. It's beating so loud I bet Julian could hear it. 

"Mia?"

I've gone to long without saying anything. But it doesn't matter. No one's called my pretty in months. No one that's honest. 

I don't bother answering. I close the gap between us, kissing him lightly on the lips. It feels right, and I don't know how I denied liking him for so long.

Except... he doesn't kiss back. I separate from him, moving back to where I was before, except fearing the worst, because I might have ruined everything right now. 

His eyes are wide. "Mia..."

I push myself up from the grass we were sitting. Tears sting the back of my eyes, but I don't dare let them fall. "No, it's okay. Sorry. I just- sorry. . .I'll go. Thank you for tonight."

"Wait!" he calls, but I'm already running. The worst part is, that if he wanted to, he could catch up to me. But he doesn't. I keep running, salty tears rushing down my face. How could I have been so stupid? I thought there was something. But of course there wasn't. 

He was calling me pretty to be polite. He's a gentlemen. He wouldn't' tell me I looked like a fat disgusting pig because he's too nice for that.

At least now you know for sure: no guy would ever like you. She was right. 

I wipe my tears with the back of my hand. She was right. She was right the whole time. 

I'm disgusting. Pathetic for thinking the perfect guy would want someone like me.

My tears run the whole way home. And my phone stays silent. 

~~~~~~~~

So... school is cancelled for he rest of the year. A lot of time to write this heartbreak of a story I guess.

- MM