Good Enough

Julian - The Pain in Truth

She looks at me, clearly expecting an answer. The thing is, I don't know why I started following her. It's not like I'm craving some early morning socializing or anything. In fact, I should be going back home. Not following some random girl who can't even be bothered to pay attention while running.

I mean, I wasn't paying attention either. But I was focusing on getting faster. There wasn't supposed to be anyone else here this early. There never is. And now there's this girl, who I'm pretty sure is the new junior at East High. And man, with the way she was running, she would be great on cross country and track team.

And there's the perfect reason I can give her for following. "I was just thinking, that if you're starting at East High next week, you'd be good on the cross country and track team."

She starts walking again and I keep following. "What do you think?" I say once I realize she's not going to answer.

"Hmm...I don't know. Tell me why I should do it."

"Okay. You run fast. We only have one other junior girl. Coach'll like you. And you'll have instant friends."

She looks at me and raises her eyebrows. "Does that include you?"

"Maybe. I hang out with them pretty often. But if you're asking me to be your instant friend, then sure."

The girl smiles, slightly, but it's a smile none the less. "Yeah why not?"

"So we're instant friends now?"

"Apparently." She glances at the watch on her wrist, one of those counting steps ones that tell you how many calories you've burned.

"My name's Julian, by the way."

"Mia." She says, but she's still analyzing her watch as we walk.

"You need to go somewhere?"

Mia finally looks up. "I mean I did need to finish this run..."

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll see you Monday probably. Since we are instant friends and all." I give her a small smile, but it's real at least.

She returns a smile of her own before putting in her headphones again. "Bye Julian."

And with that, she starts running again.

***

Five hours later, I'm sitting at my desk, fingers tracing over the white line on my wrist as I try to absorb as much of the information in the textbook as possible. Mateo isn't home, and I'm betting he probably went off to hang out with friends. That's the worst part. If Mateo were amazing but a bad person, then he wouldn't be perfect. But he's so nice. Considerate. He cares about everyone.

Except you.

I never told Mateo why. He still thinks it was all mistake. That I didn't mean it. I'll never tell him the truth, which is that a big part of why I did it was because of him. It would make him feel horrible. Mateo doesn't deserve that. He's too perfect for that truth to plague his mind.

Maybe that's a part of why I tried to do it. Maybe I wanted him to find me, so that now a part of his mind is always weighted with "What if Julian killed himself while I was gone?".

Except you're forgetting he doesn't actually think that. He pretends he does. Don't be so naive, Julian.

Right. I forgot. Because sometimes I look at him and think that he or someone might actually care. But as quickly as those thoughts come, they're always gone. Interrupted by the truth.

Sometimes I wish they weren't. But I don't really have a say in the matter. The truth is the truth, no matter what way you want to spin it.

I shake my head and look back down at my book. I need to actually do work. Study hard. Good grades.Good athletics. Scholarships. I can't get lazy now.