Good Enough

Julian - The End - Part 5

I wake up to the sound of monitors beeping. The smell of disinfectant fills my nose and that's how I know I'm in a hospital.

It didn't work...again...

I can't believe you called her. How could one person be so stupid?

What was I thinking? I never should've done that. Oh god. She knows now...

Shit, she knows how much of a fucking mess I am. And they must have called dad...and Mateo. No no no no no. No. Everyone knows.

"Look who's awake," a sweet voice calls.

I jump up in my bed, eyes immediately landing on the warm face of a nurse. She's smiling, and it seems completely inappropriate considering the situation we're in right now.

She walks over to me and starts to do vitals and asks me questions I don't bother answering. There's nothing I can tell her that she can't figure out.

She sighs when she realizes I'm not going to say anything. I figure that if it's something I really need to answer, she'll have to have a doctor come ask me. I'll wait until then.

But i don't want a doctor. A million different doctors could try, but none would be able to fix the broken mess of me.

The bubbly nurse disappears, saying she'll be back later. I barely nod before I'm laying down again. God I'm tired...so so tired. My head hurts. I feel sore.

Nice job getting yourself in a hospital. They're gonna put you on drugs, and probably into foster care once they realize what those bruises are. If they haven't already figured it out.

I squeeze my eyes closed tightly. I don't want to think about this. I just want to go to sleep.

***

I wake up later - I don't know how much later - to Mateo bursting into the room. He's breathing heavily, like he just ran here.

"Julian," he manages to wheeze out. He must have been running awfully fast to be out of breath. Mateo is an amazing runner.

I sit up again, trying hard to ignore the soreness in my arms and legs and everywhere. I look at Mateo anxiously. He must have something to say.

Mateo pulls up the small chair in the corner of the room and puts his elbows on the bed before burying his face in his hands. It takes me a while before I realize he's crying.

"Mateo...?"

He speaks between cries. "Shit, I thought - I thought I'd lost you. When I got the call I thought you were dead. I thought you did it. I almost lost you. Holy shit I almost lost you."

Good actor. I'd give him a Grammy if I could. Maybe even an Oscar.

I look down at my lap and wait to see if he has something else to say. But in the empty room, all you can hear is the beeping machines and Mateo's cries. I feel my own eyes fill with tears and I blink them away.

Weak. Pathetic.

"I let you walk out...I didn't come after you...I'm horrible. I'm so sorry Julian. I'm so sorry."

"No."

Mateo looksup, and gives me a confused look. "No what?"

"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. For fucking doing this. For fucking things up again."

If only you had done it right...what a shame.

"You didn't fuck anything up."

"But I did. Mateo. We're in the hospital right now. Everything's going wrong. I fucked everything up. Again. I fucked everything up again."