Good Enough

Julian - The End - Part 3

I open my eyes and gasp out for air as I push myself into a sitting position. I'm not in my room. I'm in Mateo's. I'm in his bed.

I continue to take in heaving gasps or oxygen. I want to take so much in that I never have to feel out of breath again.

Once my breathing evens out, I manage to look around. Mateo is no where to be found. But I think that those last screams were his. Who's else's could they be?

Where is he? What did he see? What does he think he saw?

As if in cue, Mateo walks in through the door with a damp washcloth. He sits at the edge of the bed, but facing the wall. I stare at him. He wants to say something. I just need to wait for him.

"Do you need anything?" Mateo asks quietly, his voice laced with hurt. He gently reaches up with the washcloth to wipe away the dry blood around my mouth, but I flinch away from him. He sighs and puts the washcloth onto the nightstand before looking at me. Waiting.

I cough and try to clear my throat before answering, but my voice still sounds raspy. "Water, please."

Mateo nods before leaving the room. Once he's gone, i check myself over. But I only need to glance down to realize my first mistake.

My shirt is different. Mateo changed my shirt. That means he saw...oh shit he saw what he wasn't supposed to. No. Mateo was never supposed to see that. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck .

Mateo comes back into the room and sits down, handing me the glass of water. I down it in less then a minute, but my throat still feels dry.

"You okay?"

I nod, not wanting to speak. But I have to tell him that he was wrong about what he saw - even though he wasn't. I open my mouth to tell Mateo this, but he speaks first.

"Julian, what the fuck is going on? You haven't talked to me in days, you're always holed up in your room, I never see you anymore, you always try and leave the house and your wrists are clean but then I'm trying to help you out of your bloody shirt and all I see is freaking scars all over you. Scars! What are they from, huh? And don't lie because I know those aren't just from soccer or track or whatever the fuck you even do." Mateo finishes and looks away, running a hand through his brown hair. He sighs loudly before looking at me again. "Look Julian. I care about you. I want to help you. But I can't if you don't tell me what's going on with you!"

Something inside me shifts. I can feel the voices sliding over. It's not just them talking. The words are coming out of my mouth. Why? Because they're true. Everything the voices have ever said to me is true.

"Shut up Mateo! Shut the fuck up!" I shout, my voice shaking unsteadily. "You don't know what you're talking about! You don't care about me! You never have, and you never will! Stop lying to my face!"

"I'm not lying-."

"Yes you are. No one gives a shit about me because it's all about you! Just leave me the fuck alone and go back to living your perfect life!"

"Julian!" Mateo shouts, standing up.

"What!"

"Stop saying all that stupid crap Julian! What do I have to do to make you believe I care about you?"

He looks so frustrated...so done. I'm ruining his life. It's all my fault. It's all my fault he's like this now. All my fault.

"You don't have to say anything," I spit out. "Because everything's my fault, isn't it?"

Mateo looks at me with a pitying expression as his anger seems to disappear. "It's not your fault Julian. Please just tell me what's going on. I can help-."