Mia - Flashback

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I stare at myself in the locker room bathroom mirror. It's miraculously not scratched or dirty, unlike every other mirror at this school. I hate the way this shirt fits. It looks so ugly. I want to rip it off and throw it at the mirror. 

Except then it'd just be me in my sports bra. And that image would be so much worse than the current one. 

This feels like deja vu. Except last time this happened there was someone else with me...

"Oh my god. I'm so fucking fat. I'm disgusting." 

I stared at our reflections in the mirror. What she said out loud was the same thing I was thinking about myself. But I wouldn't say it. Saying makes things true. I didn't want it to be true.

"You're so not," I said brightly, my voice sounding full of sunshine and rainbows and all things happy.

She looked away from her own reflection and stared at me instead. I felt so exposed. But I knew I could trust her. I wanted someone- no I wanted- her to tell me the truth. She would always tell me the brutal honesty. No matter how much it-

She tilted her head to one side, looking at me the same way she would a confusing math problem. How my legs ached for the chance to run away.

"It wouldn't kill you to lose a few pounds either. Oh my god, we can do it together, yeah?"

My heart felt like it was split in two. No, not two. it was completely shattered. I trusted her more than I trusted my family...

See? I told you you were fat. Everyone can see it, including you. She would never lie to you. You must be really fat for her to tell you to lose a few pounds. [AN: this is the voice talking]

The voice had never been more right.

"Y-yeah, maybe. I'm gonna go to the bathroom."

She nodded at me. "Yeah, you know where it is."

I practically ran out of the room. I had only eaten a packet of Ritz crackers the whole day. But that didn't stop me from sticking my finger down my throat. I felt myself gag and then I stopped. I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself throw up. 

I sat on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. I was going to need to get over that eventually and learn to go through with it. 

"Mia? You good?"

I blink quickly and turn to see 'Drea standing in the doorway of the bathroom. She's bouncing on the balls of her feet, getting warmed up for the run. 

She stops bouncing to stare at me. "Are you ready?"

"Huh?"

"For our run? You do realize you're at cross country practice, right?" 'Drea asks with a laugh.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm just tired."

And it's true. Every single move takes effort. I just want to go home and sleep. But I agreed to join. I don't like giving up on this.

And you need the exercise

"Me too girl. But you looked like you were seeing a ghost when I walked in."

"I did?"

"Yeah. But anyways, are you ready to go?" Andrea is bouncing on the balls f her feet again, and even though I haven't known her that long, I can tell that she loves running. No one would be this impatient if they didn't.

I take one last look in the mirror before following her outside. I feel like everyone is staring at me and I hate it. 

Julian isn't here today. I'm not exactly sure where he is. I wish I had his number so that I could ask. Maybe I should ask for it.

Before I can dwell on that thought anymore, Coach blows the whistle to get us ready. I quickly stretch as best as possible before going over to the starting point. And as soon as the whistle blows, I'm running, running, running.

***

After a quick shower, I finally get the chance to crack open my notebook and write down today.

Dear Journal,

No breakfast, not that that's shocking. No lunch. Drank like eight or nine bottles of water, which kinda filled me up the whole day. Mom is ordering pizza for dinner. I didn't even like pizza to begin with, and even less now. Coach totally bought us a late lunch for doing good today. 

I realize that if anyone read this they would think I was crazy. I'm not. I just like to keep care of myself. Why do people think that's wrong? 

*sigh*

I don't know. I wish I could talk to her. She was the only one who really understood. 

- Mia Blake

I hear the front door slam close and then my mom calling, "Mia, dinner's here."

I slowly make my way downstairs and give my mom an apologetic look. "Sorry Mom, Coach gave us a late lunch after school. It was a congratulations for working so hard." 

"Are you sure you're eating properly?" she asks, her voice laced with suspicion. 

"Yes Mom." I can't help but leaving the irritated note in my voice

"If you're sure-"

"Positive. I'll just get some cereal later if I get hungry."

Except I won't get hungry. But she doesn't know that, so she nods and I smile before turning back upstairs. 

It's crazy what goes on right under people's noses.



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