Good Enough

Julian - Home, Pain

I yell out in surprise and try to wrench away, but Dad's grip on my shirt is too strong. He tosses me to the floor in front of him and kneels down until he's eye level. I cower back without thinking.

Fucking weak little -

"Did you really think I wouldn't realize you were out? Where were you?"

"I-I was doing a proj-."

Dad shakes his head before smacking me across my face. "Do you think I'm stupid? I know you were out fucking some whore! Why can't you just be more like your brother? Useless."

Dad shakes his head and gets up. I say my shoulders in relief, thankful that he's said his piece and left.

But then he turns around, all with that sick smile on his face. I get up on shaky feet, preferring being hit then being kicked.

I'm met with a fist to the ribs.

Bruises on still healing skin.

I want to run I want to fight back but I just take it

I take it until I get hit right on the cuts. I trip over my own feet, heaving sighs of pain as the wind was knocked out of me. I keep stepping back until I roll my ankle, sending an entire new pain up my leg. I scream out in agony. I crouch down, cradling my ankle as I can feel it throbbing. Time stops, freezes, as we both stare at my ankle.

Dad says nothing as I blink back tears from the pain, and also for the  fact that I can't run. I need to get faster and better, but now I can't even run. I glare up at Dad through blurry eyes, wanting more than ever to take my fist and strike his face. But I stay down on the floor. Just like I always do, and just like I always will. I will never fight back.  And as Dad kneels next to me with a satisfied smirk, he knows it too. 

"Is it broken?" He asks, without an ounce of concern in his voice.

I shake my head. "No" I whisper.

Dad gets up after looking at my quickly bruising ankle himself. He nods. "Good. You fell down the stairs. If I hear anything different, you might fall in a much worse way. understood?"

I nod. Dad disappears back into his room, apparently done with me. The door shuts behind him, leaving me in the silence. After a few minutes I get up on shaky feet to stumble into my room, my ankle throbbing the whole time.

I collapse on my bed. I blink the tears out of my eyes. I tell myself - more so, It tells me to stop crying. I deserved to be beat the way I do. It makes me better. It should make me stronger. 

After a while I sit up . I reach over to my nightstand. I'm numb when I reach for something, anything, that I know will take the pain away. I lift up my shirt, looking down at all the lines, angry lines, that decorate my stomach like a pattern. Slowly I put my shirt down. I promised I would never do it down there again but J can't will myself to care  I want to cut where it hurts  the most. 

So I roll up my pant leg . I shakily make one cut, then another before I stop . 

What the hell are you doing? Are you so needy you want someone to notice? 

It's right. I put the box cutter back into the nightstand and look at what I've done. They're shallow. They'll be scabbed over by tomorrow. But I still shouldn't have done it . God I'm so stupid. I really shouldn't have done that. I'm such a fucking idiot.

I turn back to my night stand, where I know everything I need to make it stop is. 

But then my phone vibrates from my pocket.

Mia: Made it home safe?

I don't bother responding. My fingers move faster than my mind can tell them to reconsider and do something permanent as I open Mia's contact.

Calling Mia...

It only rings once before her voice comes in  "Hey, what's up?"

A small smile slips on my face, the throbbing and stinging by my ankle forgotten. "Nothing. I just wanted to talk."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~

A/N: Hey I know this may be a weird chapter in the sense so many things happen, but I've been thinking a lot.  I have  a friend who has been having this same type of problem. I often find myself wondering how many times when she texts me, is she sitting with her phone in her lap cleaning up blood from the pain she's tried to release. All without me knowing anything. So yeah. That's a bit why it's all over the place. Because life can be all over the place.