Good Enough

Julian - Apologies & Confessions

I run my hand through my hair, the speed of the motion not even competing with the speed of my thoughts right now. I'm so stupid. So fucking stupid. So stupid I could punish myself. Dad might as well be home to punch me, because this time I really do deserve. I'm an asshole. Not even an asshole. A dick. Both? Can I even be both? I'm every worst word imaginable, all walking around as one Julian Ortega. 

I round the corner of my street and tug one last time on the dark strands of my hair that I should probably go cut. When I drop my hands back into my pockets, I'm in front of the house. The lights are on inside, but only in the living room. 

I open the door as quietly as possible, and hope and pray to god my eyes aren't red. I didn't cry, of course I didn't, but I'd be lying if I said my eyes didn't sting from the guilt. I don't know why I didn't kiss her back. It felt good. Really good. I should've kissed back, but fuck, I didn't know what I was doing.

"Back so soon?" Mateo's teasing voice calls.

"Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, she had somewhere to be." I reply, walking into the living room where Mateo is perched on the couch with his laptop. I'm surprised he isn't in his room working like usual. We each shut ourselves away in our rooms and work. While he's working for a degree, I'm working to be more like him. Funny how the world works.

He looks up from his laptop, and then closes it slowly. "You okay?"

I nod silently and turn to head up the stairs. "Yeah. Fine. I'm just really tired."

Mateo's having none of it. "Nope, come talk to me." I look at him and open my mouth for an argument, but the look on his face tells me today he's not letting me go so easily.

I sigh begrudgingly and sit down on the couch a few seats away from him. He turns to me and tilts his head, analyzing me like he always does. I roll my eyes at his concerned face. He shouldn't be worried about me. I'm more worried about Mia. I just had to bring up her insecurities.

Yeah how would you like it someone point out your insecurities? I bet you'd run and cry like a bitch boy too.

"Are you high?"

I shake my head, having to really fight the urge to roll my eyes again. "No Mateo. When have I ever gotten high?"

"i don't know. Things happen in high. school sometimes, and next thing you know the blunt's in your mouth and then bam! You're high and-"

"You've gotten high? You, the golden buy? The valedictorian?" I interrupt, staring at Mateo in disbelief.

"It was once!" He adds quickly. "I swear. It was too gross."

"Okay. Whatever. I'm not high." I pause. "And I'm not sad either," I add, already knowing that that was the second assumption he had, and knowing that I'm not that kind of sad right now anyway.

"Well then what's the problem,"

I sigh, debating the best way to handle the situation. If I deny anything happening, I won't be able to go to my room until I give him something. If I lie, then I have to make up a whole story on the spot about why I look upset.

"I did something stupid,"

Mateo raises an eyebrow. "Stupid like what?"

I shift my gaze away from him, suddenly feeling like a little kid that's getting in trouble. "Stupid like I let a girl kiss me and didn't say anything after." 

"Did you kiss her back?" I can hear the excitement in Mateo's voice, and I guess it makes sense, since I never talk to him about anything. Sometimes I think he wants to hear about all the stupid high school stuff, sometimes I think he doesn't care because he has own life. Technically it doesn't matter though, because I wouldn't have anything to tell him. This is the most interesting thing that's happened to me in about a year. Maybe even more.

"No," I admit. "I didn't, but then it made her feel bad and she just ran away. Literally ran."

Mateo shakes his head at me. "For a smart guy, you're being stupid right now. If you're still thinking about her, then at least go apologize. Or do other things."  He pauses before frantically adding, "Just not sex!"

"But Dad is coming home soon--" I say, already knowing what's going to happen if I get home late. My ankle still aches.

"Dad is the least of your worries." He gets up and pulls my arms to get me stand up. "Come on, go."

I sigh loudly and pull my arms away from him. "Fine, okay, I'll go."

"Just no sex." He reminds m.

"Got it."

That's how I end up back at Mia's house. This is probably the last time I've listened to Mateo's advice wholeheartedly and I'm kind of praying to god that it works out. The lights are all off except for one bedroom window. I would go and look in and see if it's hers, but I don't want to risk  neighborhood watch calling a report on a peeping Tom, so I have to settle for the door instead. 

I ring the doorbell, hoping that I don't wake everyone else in the house up. That's assuming that Mia is already awake, because if she's not then I'm interrupting her sleep. I wait as patiently as possible, running what I want to say to her over and over in my head.

1. I'm sorry. 2. I really like you. 3. Did you mean the kiss? 4.- Wait maybe I should switch 2and 3.

I don't have time to decide because the door is already being cracked open, just enough where I can see a strong of Mia's blonde hair peeking out the door. It's dark behind her, which proves that everyone else is asleep. 

"Julian?" She says quietly. "What are you doing here?"

"I- uh." Crap, what's the point of mental lists if I can never get through them correctly. "I came to say sorry-"

She interrupts me and shakes her head, her hand on the door like she's already ready to close it. "It's okay Julian. Just forget it."

"No wait!" I says desperately. Dear god I suck at this. "Did...Did you mean it when you kissed me?"

Mia's eyes stray to the floor, and I wish that wasn't the case because I like looking at her eyes. The way they changed in different lighting, and how they could light up. 

"I mean yeah I did... but like I said just forget it Julian. It was a mistake."

No kidding it was a mistake. It was with you. "Oh." I say quietly.

Mia's mouth turns up like she's half smiling, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it's not real. "Well then, goodnight Julian."

"Wait," I say again. She holds the door, looking at me again expectantly. "if it was a mistake, then we can forget it. But I... I really like you Mia. The first day I saw you I thought you were beautiful."

The words are spilling out and it's like I can't stop.  "I love talking to you. Calling you until the sun is practically coming up. I like going on runs. I like spending lunch together. I like the way your hair always fall in front of your face and you don't even try to push it back. I like the way your eyes light up when you see little flower popping up on the ground. I just really like you."

Mia looks surprised at me words, but she recovers quickly. "If all that is true, then why didn't you kiss me back?"

"Because I'm stupid," I reply. "Really, really stupid. I wanted to kiss you back...but I was scared."

Mia thinks about that for a second before sighing and giving me a real smile. "I really like you too Julian. I like everything about you. I like the way you make me feel. But we should figure this out during the day so I can see your face better. 'Cuz I really like your face too."

I nod, trying to look calm but inside I'm screaming because someone likes me and I like them and it feels right in a way I can't describe to anyone right now. "Okay. Tomorrow? We can figure this out?"

Mia nods happily. "Yeah. Goodnight Julian."

I can't stop the huge smile that stretches across my face anymore. "Great. Goodnight Mia."

The door closes with her behind it, but it doesn't matter that we don't know what's going to happen, because nothing can take away the pure happiness that I haven't felt in so long. 

Maybe Mateo's not the worst at giving advice.

~~~~~~~

andddd there's that chapter :)