Good Enough

Mia - Make Up

I glance up from my place across the table from Julian. Foster has been filling my spot for two weeks now. It's our unofficial break - although it certainly feels official. I miss him, no matter how much I tell myself not to. 

I briefly considered sitting elsewhere, like maybe with AJ, but I dismissed the idea quickly. Just because Julian felt like he had to meddle in my life doesn't mean I have to move away from the table with my friends. Everyone has picked up that something happened, but except for a few not discreet glances at us, no one has done or said anything about the fact that we're not talking. 

I pick at the croutons of the school lunch salad, trying not to make a face as I put the little dry squares aside. I never liked croutons, not even when I was little and I didn't have to care about was was going in my mouth. 'Drea is telling a story about her aunt's birthday party, but I'm forgetting to laugh as I push my salad around. 

I feel someone looking at me and glance up to find Julian eyeing me. I expect him to look away like he's done a few times, but this time he doesn't. His mouth parts like he want to say something, but he closes it and instead lets his eyes linger a little longer on my salad, and my hand that's creating a little pile of croutons on the side of my plate.  I bring my hand to my lap self consciously, but keep eye contact with Julian until he looks away first.

Lunch ends without either of us saying a word, and only occasionally nodding or laughing at what people say.

the bell rings and I try to pack my stuff up slowly so that Julian has a chance to leave before me. 

It's no use though, because he makes it clear that he's waiting until I acknowledge him. I brush past him and start walking briskly towards Spanish, hoping he'll take the hint.

Surprise surprise, he doesn't. "Mia! Can we talk, please?" I stop and let him catch up, but don't turn around. He place his hand on my arm. "Come on, it's been two weeks."

I pull myself out of his grasp and finally turn so that we're facing each other. "We're going to be late," I say curtly.

Julian frowns. "I know. It doesn't matter."

I sigh in resignation. "Fine. What is it you so desperately want to tell me?"

A look of relief passes his face with a small smile, and little butterflies erupt in stomach again, even though I want to squash them down. 

"I'm sorry. For getting all in your business like that. I shouldn't have done that the way I did. And I understand that there are some things everyone likes to keep personal. But..."

Here it comes.

"I care about you. I worry about you because I care about you. All I ever wanted to do was make sure you were okay. So I'll still ask you if you're okay. And you can just tell me when to back off. But please go back to talking to me. You're the-" He clears his throat. "You're the first girl I've ever cared about and liked this much Mia."

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to keep myself from throwing my arms around him and saying thank you and spilling all my insecurities. Even though last time I did that it didn't go too well.

"Would you quit being such a baby? Everyone goes through this. Just because you have mommy-daddy issues doesn't mean you have to be 'broken' or 'damaged'. If you want attention, strip naked. Don't make lies."

"I just don't want you to think you can walk around making all these assumptions and accusations. I already have a mom at home who asks too many questions. I don't need a boyfriend to that to me at school."

The corner's of Julian's lips twitch up. "Boyfriend you say? Is that position still open?"

"Only if you promise to stay out of things that aren't any of your business."

The start of the small fades slightly and Julian falters before answering. "But if it's hurting you and your health then..."

I roll my eyes. "I promise I'll tell you if anything's 'hurting me'. But I'm fine Julian. I always was."

He looks uncertain but he nods anyways. "Then I guess I'm back together with you?"

Now it's my turn to give him a small smile. "I guess so."

We walk to Spanish seven minutes late, but together, with out hands clasped tightly in each others. I bet Julian wants to say a million things about how bony my fingers are, but at the moment, I don't care. 

Just like before, things are looking up again. I'm almost at my personal goal in the mirror, and now Julian will know where to tread lightly. I don't him to feel like he's walking on eggshells, but I also don't want him to start asking all these questions again. 

Because the thing is, I really am okay.

I have limits, and I know when I'm going too far.

Everyone goes through this, right?

~~~

 to be a girl up to her KNEES in denial