Figuring it Out (A Rickian Story)

Why?

I was speechless trying to process what I was feeling, my hand lingering tenderly in Kian's warm hand, his face alight with a radiance and a smile that kept me calm and in a dreamlike state.

"I really never know what's going on. Why? Are you two like a couple?" A stunned JC utters, almost gasping out the words. Kian remains speechless and grinning. I snap back to reality and abruptly let go of Kian's hand in a reaction of denial.

"No," I say flatly, "That's never happened before." I see a look of rejection flash across Kian's face and immediately put a hand on his leg to try to tell him it's all right.

"Oh...um...I see...I guess that was a little surprising then...should I let you guys talk?" JC responds, still in shock, "I am ok you know with whatever..."

"No, sit down," replies Kian, "You were kind of part of it so you may as well stay while we talk. We really do trust you." I nod. JC sits down, still looking unsure of how to respond but glad to be sitting. Kian, looks at me and says, "Ricky? Are you ok?"

I take a deep breath. "I'm more than ok but totally confused." I reply honestly, my hand lightly rubbing Kian's leg. "It was a really nice kiss for me, but why?" I tremble a little, scared of having admitted to Kian, JC, and even myself that I enjoyed kissing Kian. There was a pause. Kian put his warm hand on my hand, which is still on his leg.

"I wanted you to feel it." Kian replies.

I am getting more confused by the minute and I can tell JC is as well. "Feel what Kian?"

"What Connor wrote." He replies, "What it feels like to kiss someone you truly love and who truly loves you. I mean it's obvious that you love me; we've been sharing a bed for a week and given how I've been lately, I wanted to see what it felt like too."

JC's eyes were wide again, "I really don't know what's going on?... You've been sleeping together for a week? How do I miss these things? I mean Kian kind of said something the day we moved but I thought he meant a nap or something."

"Kian was having nightmares after Sam's funeral so he stayed with me a couple nights and then its just felt comfortable since. It helps with our grief." I respond, "But it has just been sleeping and maybe a little cuddling." Kian nods agreement.

"I get that. I've had Lia to cuddle with and Connor apparently has had whoever he is tweeting about. No-one wants to be alone at a time like this. But it led to more?"

"No more than that kiss. I just felt like it. I wanted to see how kissing Ricky would feel." Kian says, unintentionally toying with my emotions a little. Then he turns to me and says, "and I liked it too."

"But Kian, you're not gay." I protested quietly.

"No, and I have never really wanted to kiss a guy before, so I wouldn't label it that way. I just wanted to kiss you." Kian responds. "And technically you're not gay either."

"Yeah but my being bi kinda sorta means I like guys that way...." I pause and see JC's face and I realize what I have done. He doesn't know about my sexuality. I haven't told him....until now. "Sorry JC, I realized a while back that I like girls as well as guys. I told Kian while we were on tour and Shelby and Connor more recently. They are the only ones that know. I was going to tell you but them Sam was killed and it didn't seem right. I am sorry you found out like this."

I can see hurt in JC's eyes. I am little scared about what he is going to say. Kian moves his hand to my back and starts rubbing it slowly.

"I don't know what to say. Too much at once." JC responds, "But it's cool. You know I'm on your side. You don't hafta keep things from me. Is that all? or are there more surprises, maybe someones pregnant or Trevor's marrying Beyonce..." We all laugh. Kian and I both look at each other and then JC and shake our heads no.

I want to hug JC but that doesn't seem right at the moment. Kian and I need to figure out where we go from here and I need to get my feelings under control. I look at Kian and say, "Ok so we kissed. I liked it. You liked it. What happens from here. Anything?..." Kian starts to speak but I interrupt him, "and before you answer remember that I love you and no matter what, your friendship means the most to me."

"We see what happens Rick. I can't promise anything. We've got a lot of feelings to sort out. Any advice JC?" We both look at JC and there is a long pause. We could both use some good guidance.

"So, I um think you two need to talk with Con de bon. He's gonna be much better at advice than I am. But whatever you decide I'm with you both. Imma gonna go hit the gym and clear my head." JC says rising. It was clear we just sprung too much on him at one time.

"JC, thanks for listening," I say. "We know it's a lot to process and we know you care. We'll try not to make it too awkward or hard. But maybe don't say anything to Lia or anyone else for now." Kian nods and smiles at JC as well.

"Don't worry about me. I may talk to Connor after you do but you don't have to worry about me telling Lia. Just imagine how that conversation would go." JC jokes, "She asks how my day went and how am Igoing to respond?...oh you know, went to the gym, made some waffles, played some mario kart, watched Kian smooch Ricky....yeah I don't think so. Your secret is safe with me." He pats Kian on the shoulder and heads out. Kian and I both laugh.

I turn and look Kian in the eye and say, "I am totally good with just seeing what happens for now." It's not completely the truth because I feel so strongly for Kian and want to know if we are going to be more than friends. But our friendship is most important and that means we have to be patient and careful.

Then my phone buzzes. "Crap. We're supposed to meet Cindy, that girl from your school, and her brother Cooper for lunch in an hour." I look at Kian, "I'd totally be ok if you want to postpone this."

"Nah," he says, "I'm ready to see an old friend. It'll be good to tell some Sam stories."

I am not sure I am ready to be social given what just happened but it will be really good for Kian, I think. Much as I just want to hold Kian's hand and talk, maybe a little space to think and some distractions are what we need.