Figuring it Out (A Rickian Story)

Headed for London

Ricky's POV

I wake up feeling a chill even though I am wrapped in a thick comforter. I don't feel Kian next to me so I sit up and look around, no sign of him in our room. I get out of bed worried and pad over to the bathroom, throwing on a pair of shorts in the process. The bathroom is empty too. I do my business quickly and wash my face as a little bit of anxiety kicks in. As I come out of the bathroom, I spot him, sitting on our little hotel balcony wrapped in a bed sheet and staring off into space. I quietly throw on a sweatshirt and join him, sitting in the chair next to him, trying to disturb his thoughts. He looks at me and smiles with eyes of love but I can tell he's been crying. I wrap an arm around this boy I love more than anything and whisper, "Do you want to talk or just need to be held?" I already know the answer. He leans into me and puts his head on my shoulder. I lightly stroke his hair and we sit in solitude and togetherness at the same time, listening to each other breath, trying to hear each other thoughts.

After 10 or 15 minutes Kian finally speaks, "I'm sorry Ricky. I'm just so messed up and the world is too crazy. I want two things more than anything and I can't have them."

I kiss him on the forehead and whisper, "I wish I could fix them for you, for us, but I don't think I can. What I can do is love you just the same."

"I know. I'm missing Sam big time right now and the thought of losing any part of what we have is crushing me. Why can't something go right?" Kian asks. I don't think he wants a response so I just hold him.

Suddenly my phone chimes with a message from Connor. "Are you two lovebirds joining us for breakfast? See you in the cafe in 30?" It hurts a little to read and I am not sure we can take seeing the love that is Tronnor right now. But I remember that part of being a good friend is celebrating what needs to be celebrated, even if it hurts a little. Connor and Troye are in love and we need to share in that joy.

"Hey Keen, Con wants us to join them for breakfast. Let's wash up."

I am surprised when Kian perks up, smiles and gets up to head for the shower. "OK, that'll cheer me up " He says. We quickly shower up, dress and head for the lobby cafe. Troye and Connor are sitting on on side of a booth waiting for us. Connor beams when he sees us and Troye smiles at his boyfriend's excitement.  We make plans for a double date in Paris and enjoy a scrumptious breakfast before heading for the show.

Kian's POV

The show in Barcelona went a lot better than Dublin. I only cried a little, no one fell or forgot any words and of course Trevor brought the house down at the end. On the flight to London, after the show, I asked Trevor to sit with Ricky so I can have some time to myself to think. I see the hurt in Ricky' s eyes, which is exactly what I am trying to avoid, but I know, I need sometime to think. Blake sits quietly next to me, listening to music. I both love and hate what I see across the aisle. Troye has his head on Connor's shoulder and Connor has a look of pure contentment as he reads quietly. I adore seeing this because one of my closest friends is so in love and so happy. At the same time I hate it because Ricky and I are so close to being the same way, and yet something is missing for me. I love Ricky. I want to find away to spend my life with Ricky. I don't want to lose him and I have to make my body respond to him. The thoughts just roll around and around in my head. Patience Kian, you can make it happen. I drift into my outlet away from this stress, a deep sleep.

When I awake, I can barely remember my dreams but I know they were restless and weird. Ricky and Andrea were both in them. I need someone to talk to about this other than Ricky and I think Connor is too in love right now, so who?

We arrive in London and grab a quick bite to eat in a pub before going our separate ways. We're staying with different YouTubers. Connor, Troye, Ricky and I are staying at the new Zalfie house, which is fun, but the accommodations are a little cramped. Basically a bed and a pullout couch tucked in the same room. Ricky and I let Connor and Troye have the bed and we take the pullout. I wonder how awkward this is going to be as we don't know Troye all that well. Connor is giddy and talkative and tells us that he and Troye are going to film a "coming out" video for him and their relationship. My heart kind of sinks. Will Ricky want us to do the same?