Figuring it Out (A Rickian Story)

Love Will Tear Us Apart Again

Kian's POV

I don't think I have ever wanted to hug someone so much, other than maybe Sam, what I wouldn't give to hug Sam again just once. At least Ricky is still here and lying next to me and all I want is to hug him. Who am I kidding? I want things as they were with my best friend but I know they can't be. At least it seems he slept soundly and peacefully.

It was ugly last night. Connor came and found me at Andrea's place, right after I had kissed her again. Connor was breathing fire angry and told me that Ricky was passed out drunk and that it was my fault and that I needed to come help clean-up the mess I had made. He was right, of course, this is my fault and I've hurt more than just Ricky.

When I got to the bar, Ricky was pretty much passed out in a booth. A despondent Trevor was trying to wake him up and give him some water. The concern and pain in Trevor's eyes were crushing. It's my fault; I've hurt Trevor too. Connor came along to see about Ricky and Troye, who was also a little drunk. I told him to take Troye up to bed and as I watched them go, I realized I've hurt Connor too. My fault again. Andrea must be so confused. I've hurt her too, even as we are reconnecting.

Then there's Ricky, the one I wanted to hurt the least, I hurt the most, to the point he drank himself unconscious. It's all my fault. I brought him upstairs with Trevor's help and tried to take care of him. I sent a tearful Trevor back to his own room because I wanted to be alone with this mess I made. So I spent the night lying next to Ricky but so alone in my thoughts and unable to sleep. I think God is playing tricks on me. First taking Sam away, then making me fall in love with Ricky but not making me gay, so I can't really be with him. I must be the first person in world to actually pray that I would wake up gay. Then I see Andrea again and I am falling in love again and it's wrong, so wrong. And I just want to cuddle and hug my best friend like we used to be able to but I can't because it would just confuse us more.

I know Ricky just woke up and took the water and medicine I left for him. I feel him kick me lightly so he knows I'm here but I can't turn and face him with tears on my cheeks. Not after all I've done to him.

"Kiki my head throbs, thanks for the pain killers, what was I thinking?" I hear Ricky groan. I can't respond.

"Kiki, I guess you're still sleeping. Thanks for bringing me home, I was really messed up. Ohhh my head." I feel Ricky roll over and put an arm around me. I tremble and it betrays my awakeness. His touch feels good again. "Kiki, are you awake? You didn't have to spend the night."

"Where else was I going to spend it?" I reply, "It's not like Andrea and I are near that point again and you needed me. Just because things are confusing between us, doesn't mean you're not my best friend." I give in and roll over to face him, knowing he will know I've been crying. "Ricky you scared us all and it's my fault.

"I'm sorry Kian." He replies. I finally lose it.

"Sorry for what Ricky? Sorry because I am the biggest idiot and loser in the world? Sorry because I deluded myself into thinking I was gay and romantically in love with you and led you on? Sorry because I let my grief and fear cloud my emotions and latched on to you, the one person I knew I could count on, without any regard for your well being? Sorry cause I've started to fall in love with Andrea again and I am breaking your heart in the process. What the fuck do you have to be sorry for? This is all my fault." By this point I am up and throwing clothing around things out of my suitcase because it makes me feel better. Ricky is still in bed, looking distraught, choking back his emotions.

"Kiki," he pleads, "Stop it. It doesn't help for you to blame yourself and your raging doesn't help my headache." I take a few deep breaths, calm down and go to get him some more water. Ricky gratefully downs the water before heading to the bathroom to use the toilet. He comes back in silence and rummages around and throws some clothes on, never mind the shirt he throws on is mine. He throws some clothes at me too and says, "Get dressed."