Just My Type

Part 8: Kids

"There's times I find myself dwelling on it, you know, I think about the what ifs a lot. What if the pregnancies had gone to term and we had those babies, would he still have turned into the monster that he did, and then would I now be raising these babies all on my own? Or would he have been a devoted loving father? I know it's not good, and it's considered a set back, but lately, all I can think about are those babies. How much I wanted those babies, needed those babies. But there's another part of me, that is so thankful that everything turned out the way that it did, because I don't know what I would have done, if my children would have been in that situation with me. It's that same part of me that knows that everything happens for a reason." My weekly therapy session has gone the deepest that it ever has with my new therapist. But lately, it's true, all I can think about is being a mom, and what it would have been like.

'It's very normal to feel the things you're feeling and have the minor set backs. You're allowed to grieve the loss of the pregnancies, you're allowed to grieve the loss of your marriage. Don't disregard those feelings, let yourself go through the process. It's okay to think about the what if's, but don't dwell, and you need to know that it's also okay to let yourself move passed it and be happy again."

She's right. I can't hold myself back anymore, I was emotionally out of that marriage before I was physically out. And even so I've been physically out for a long time now. I need to move on, I need to be happy. I have to stop making myself dwell in this miserable purgatory of life.

 "And Kam, you have to be open and honest about your past, with this new budding relationship, it's not fair to Ben to hide things from him, and maybe being opening up to him will help you.'

"But what if telling him makes him run?"

"Then he's not meant to be apart of your future, the person that you're truly meant to be with or have any type or relationship with, platonic or romantic, will accept you, and all of you."

Have I said, that I really love this lady.

"Kam, in spite of everything that you've been though, you're still so young, you still have so much time to experience life. you're young enough that you can still have a chance at doing all the things you dream of. Don't rush things."

In these last two years my whole life has been put into a whole new perspective. It's the first time in my life I had to truly take care of my self, it's the first time I've lived on my own, the first time, that someone isn't holding my hand through all of it. A lot of people would be scared, intimidated, but I'm enjoying it, I've found myself and I'm loving myself again.

"Are you sleeping?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I have nightmares about Eric, sometimes I don't. My younger brother showed up out of no where, and it's brought a lot back for me"

"Woah, lets regroup there, tell me about your brother showing up, how's that make you feel?"

"Honestly? I'm kind of terrified about it. I don't know if I should be concerned, scared for myself or happy that he's reaching out."

We continue the talk about Seb, and she cuts me short to say time is up and she doesn't have enough time to go long today, and we'll pick it up next week if I want. So of course I schedule my next appointment right then.

After this I planned on going to the gym and then doing some work at the studio, but I feel so emotionally drained after the session I feel like I have to go home to take a nap, but I know, that if I give into that feeling I'm not getting anything done for the rest of the day. And I really need to get the studio finished. I have to admit that I'm not the best with following through with projects but this is something that I've wanted for so long and something I've been so close to having so many times.