Black Rose (✔️)

26 | hiling

Rosé

One year ago

It's been so long since I felt this — since I felt all this. The love, the disappointment, the pain.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa nagagawang ngumiti sa lagay kong ito. At hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit mas masakit ang nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko kaysa sa mga braso kong patuloy sa pagdurugo.

I was afraid to do this. For a time I feared this, I feared this outcome. Akala ko noon sa sakit o hindi kaya sa magiging husga sa akin sa itaas pero hindi lang pala iyon ang dahilan. I was afraid of these thoughts because I already knew that I would be able to do it.

Pero masaya ako. Bakit? Kasi ngayon, gumawa ako ng isang bagay na para sa akin. Na walang iniisip kung hindi ang sarili. This time I chose myself.

Pero ganunpaman, dumadaan pa rin sa isip ko kung ano ang mangyayari sa mga taong mahal ko. Sa kapatid ko. Kay Carter. Paano nila tatanggapin ang napiling landas ko?

With my shaking bloodied hands, I reached for my phone. He has to know. I don't want him to blame himself for what I did. Wala siyang kasalanan. I already made this choice even before I went to see him. Even before I saw him with somebody else.

I think it's quite timely, too. Maybe even He knows he'll need someone by his side. Baka nga pinapahintulutan niya na ako at sinasabing siya na ang bahala sa lahat.

"C-Carter." I quietly mumbled his name as I write him a message.

I was scared of what I was turning into so I left. I left sad. I left hurting. I left broken — I left human.

If you're reading this then I'm probably dead. Don't feel sad because I'm not. Not anymore. Goodbye, Carter. I love you.

Tiningnan kong mabuti ang huling mensahe ko sa kanya. Kahit sa simpleng sulat, hindi ko kayang mabitawan ang mga salitang iyan. I think it's because the more I think about how much I love him, the more I regret leaving everything behind.

Tama na ang desisyon kong ito. Hindi na ako aatras pa. Ito ang gusto ko at hindi niya ako hinayaang mawala nang walang nararamdaman. He made me feel again. He made me feel human.

And I am — was only a hurting girl who chose to end her suffering.

If you're reading this then I'm probably dead. Don't feel sad because I'm not. Not anymore. Goodbye, Carter. Thank you for trying to save me.

──────────

Carter

Six months ago

Itinapon ko ang mga gamit ko. "Hindi niyo naiintindihan! I killed her! I killed the only girl I've ever loved! Paano niyo sasabihin sa akin na wala akong kasalanan?! You were there on her last fucking night!" Singhal ko kay Stephen.

They still don't get it. I deserve this. I deserve to suffer.

Why didn't I just tell her I love her?! Why didn't I tell her that everything is going to be alright because I won't ever leave her?

Bakit nanatili lang sila sa isip ko? Bakit itinago ko sa kanya ang tunay na nararamdaman ko? Bakit hinayaan ko siyang mahulog mag isa?