Love, Lied and Lost...

As if.

I'm a bad friend and I know it... And I know you were expecting me to back out, and that's what I do. I back out, cause I'm to afraid to stay... I'm to afraid to love. And I know you need me to answer and I know you need me to be here. But I can't cause I don't know how to. And I know we were supposed to eat together tomorrow but how can I tell you I'm scared, how can I tell you I won't eat tomorrow cause I gained weight? Would you even understand? What if you don't? I constituently lie to friends faces, so what would it change? Why am I being so afraid to sit opposite you, knowing you watch me? I just don't know how to... People watching me scares me, people laughing scares me, if I hear my name, and people laugh I just want to die. I know you would never hurt me, but I'm afraid I will. Afraid you won't understand, afraid I won't be able to explain. It's been a year we know each other and I'm afraid of staying face to face with you tomorrow at lunch. Cause you'll ask me what's happening and I can't answer. And you were mad at me for not telling you about my boyfriend. I tough I would protect you but I only hurt you more. And now I'm lost, cause I don't know how you'll react. Or what you'll say. And that's just me, and what will happen if you understand I'm not the same? And what will happen if you see who I am? Will you still love me? Will you understand, or will you just walk away knowing it's to hard helping someone that can't be help, that doesn't want to be help? And I won't even be mad at you for letting me down, cause I know how much of a mess I am. And I know how you don't understand everything I go through. And I'm happy you don't but what will happen when you will? What are you gonna say about it? No our friendship is no harm, no you didn't hurt me. And yes you helped me, but I didn't want you to react, I didn't even want to talk about it. I just wanted it to be easy, I just wanted it to be simple for once. And I know life isn't simple, but I try. Really I try but I don't know how to keep going anymore. And I'm trying to make efforts in my showing love problems, but I don't always succeed and I don't know how to explain. I've been ill, I've been depressed, I've been suicidal. I stoped eating, I smoked, I drank till I vomited. I slept a night out in a parc, I ran away from cops, I had to be separate cause I was gonna fight. I did all those. So what do you think about me now? I know what you'll say, that it doesn't change anything. But it does, it really does. And I know you just want to keep it this way like nothing can change, like it's that simple but we both know it doesn't. And I won't walk away from you, I promise. I told you I loved you and I meant it. And I still do, but think about it did I ever tell you I loved you face to face looking into your eyes? Did I ever say something about how I felt, not looking down at my feet? I'm always worried about not being able to do great, not being able to be good enough... It's not your fault, don't say it is, I would get mad. It's mine hundred percent mine. And I know every problems have a solution but right now I don't know it. And I'm still trying to figure out, what goes with what. And I know you love me, and i do too. But what can I say? It's just not that simple anymore. I wish I could be three years old again, not thinking about what people though, not being self ashamed, not being invisible to my own family. I wish I could juts go back in time. And what would you say if you knew? if you knew how scared I am, how depressed I feel, how my arm just hurt from me scratching it till it bruised, if you knew how home really feels like, how painful it is to leave? And I know thats just a really long word mess, but I needed to. I needed to tell you everything. Not face to face tomorrow, cause I know I'll act as nothing happened. As if nothing changed. As if it was that simple. Nut just understand you need to let me let you go... 

I know it seems like a huge mess but I like wattpad for being the place I turn to when all feels bad, and I cant say it anymore. When I'm to scared to tell the truth. So thats a new text dedicated  to numbers of person, but more specifically to Sophia, my dad, my boyfriend, my sister, and my mother. 

From a black bubble lost in a stormy night.