Love, Lied and Lost...

Not a cry for help.

It's not a cry for help, but please come and get me. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like going anywhere, actually no... I just don't feel. I wish it was easy like last year, yes I was feeling bad, but I could drown it in alcohol, I could stop eating, I could juste not work in school without disappointing anyone, but today at this point, if I fail my classes, I have three person on my back, if I stop eating I have even more... and I feel terrible, just leave me alone, maybe this isn't the place to say it, maybe I should stop writing ... but if only I could cut myself right now... If only I didn't fear someone seeing it. I just don't have the strength anymore to do anything. I wanna tell you to leave me alone, but at the same time I just want you to hold me close and not let me go... I feel terrible, and I know he's just one call away but I can't convince myself to pick up that phone, cause I feel like I would just annoy him even if he always tell me otherwise. I feel like I'm holding on for dear life, but my fingers feel slippery, and death just feel like the right option at that point, like it's the only option. I'm scared of everything, because if I would just pick up this phone what would he say? would he get mad? Or would he try and help me? I know she will be reading this tomorrow morning, and she'll send me a text saying she's sorry she wasn't there, and im gonna tell her it's okay. But one thing I dont tell you... I'm not eating anymore, I try to stop actually... Most of the time I eat lunch or dinner, but I hate myself right now... I feel like I'm not good enough, like I'll never be good enough. But don't apologize tomorrow, because you're always here, and I ain't so don't feel guilty please. I feel terrible, actually I don't wanna die, I just want to stop hurting. If only I could stop hurting... Because it hurts so bad... Like my heart is being crushed to thousands of pieces... I know I'm always saying that I dont need help, that I don't want help, I don't deserve it. But I just want to be in his arms. Cause I feel safe there, and my mind doesn't wonder on her own, to dark places, that I don't wanna think about. And it hurts, it physically hurts. And I wish I could do more than just lay in bed feeling bad, but I know that if I decide to end up like last year I'm gonna feel terrible, because I'm gonna feel weak and guilty, and at the end of last year I made myself the promise to be happy, and even if I don't always succeed I try my best. But right now, I don't have the energy to fight anymore... I just wanna lay in bed, and skip school tomorrow... because even if I say I ate, it doesn't mean I did, and even if I say I'm okay doesn't mean I am. So even if I say I don't need help, please be here when I fall. I'm not crying for help, I'm calling. I love you. 

From a Black Bubble