Love, Lied and Lost...

Maybe it's me

Does it get easier with time? Will I finally be able to breath normally when his name is spoken? Please tell me it's going to be okay, I need to hear it. I need to believe for even two seconds that it'll hurt less with time, that I'll learn to live with it. I don't want to let him go, I'm too afraid to forget him. I need him to be here, with me. Even if that means I'll live in pain for as long as I breath. How can I let him go, when it feels like he's the only one that I will ever love that much. He was my role model. But I don't even know why my heart ache so much for him, I didn't knew him that much. Five years, that's all it took for me to love him so deeply, so truly much. I'm scared of letting him go, because I'm scared I won't feel this pain anymore, I'm scared that I'll feel lost because of it. I'm scared of being lost without him. He left us twelve years ago, t's been twelve years I live with a constant pain in my chest, the feeling of something missing, like an empty spot that I just can't seem to fill in. And I'm scared that if I accept the pain, if it finally disappears I won't be able to find my way back to him. I'm scared of forgetting how much I care about him. I'm scared he'll lose the importance he had, I'm scared he'll be mad at me. If the pain wasn't here anymore, how will I remember him? If I'm not hurt that means I don't deserve him anymore. I'm scared that if I let the pain disappear, if I finally allow myself to accept that he's gone, I won't be myself anymore, or not the self I am today. The ache in my chest if just a reminder that anywhere I go, that even in my most happy place, I'll never be as happy as I was with him, because he's not here anymore, because no one even knows if I'll see him ever again. I need to feel it, I need to know that I still care for him, that even if I continue my life he's still right in my heart, and the pain I feel is that, it's the feeling of his death, the feeling of his life. This empty spot is his. And maybe, just maybe I grasp that pain, maybe I'm the one forcing him to stay, the one forcing me to feel this pain in my chest. What if I'm the one in charge? The one that can decide when the pain is allowed to disappear, when I finally let go of him. Maybe it's time, maybe I should let him go. But how will I live without that, now, normal pain in my chest? How will I understand myself without feeling his empty spot? What if I give that spot away to someone, and he leaves. How will I be able to continue living if I feel that pain again? Maybe I'm the one choosing to be happy, maybe, maybe I did all this to myself. What if I finally let myself breath? What if I finally just accept myself with all the qualities and the defaults? What if I let you in completely, will you leave? And if you do, will I be able to survive?