Love, Lied and Lost...

Catch me.

People around me think I'm okay, because i smile, because I laugh... But they don't see the tears rolling down my cheeks at nigh, they don't see my scars getting more and more deep, they don't see the blood coloring my sink every night. My heart breaks a little more every night, but I don't say a thing. I keep my mouth shut and act like everything is alright, but it isn't. Nothing is. Because I slowly die, and the scars on my chest are just a way to prove that I'm getting weaker every night. A way to prove that I won't make it to the end. Sometimes I try and understand why we live, and the only thing I can find is that we live to die. So what I if died now? I'm gonna die someday so why can't I die now. Why is living so important for you? I don't even feel anything anymore, and it's even more horrible than feeling bad. because I just don't know how to be happy, I just don't know how to smile. Cause they get mad at me for cutting myself, and they don't try to understand when I cry, when I talk about it. They just want me to shut up, because they wanna be happy even if that means I ain't ,even if that means I still cry at night. And I don't know how to deal with it anymore, so I close on myself a bit more every day, hoping at some point nothing will touch me anymore. But it still does, and I can't say anything. Because some people are having a horrible life, something I can't even imagine. And I should be happy, because my life is good, i'm loved, I have friends, a boyfriend. So why do I still cry at night, so why am I still feeling so bad as soon as I'm alone? But I can't help it, I can't help being weak, or feeling bad. I just can't help it anymore. I survived all those years, why is it so difficult now? Why is everyday a new battle that i don't even know if I could walk out of alive. There's blood on my breast and tears on my cheeks but no one seems to notice, so I shut up, because they don't need to see it, because I don't want them to treat me differently. I'm not depressed, I'm not sick, I'm simply feeling bad, really bad. I don't know how to anymore, I don't know how to escape, or how to live. I'm getting lost and it seems like I don't wanna find a way home, like I can't find the way home anymore. I wish I could make everyone hate me, I wish I could help them to go away, help them stop loving me. Because people say we accept the love we think we deserve and I don't deserve any. I deserve punch and hate, but no love. I'm a horrible person, and I don't even know how to be nice with the one guy I love, the only one. The one I want in my arms every minutes of the fucking day. So that's why I don't come home, because he's my safe place. And at the end of the year I'm leaving him, and I don't know how I'll be able to handle that. I'm gonna loose everyone and I just can't help but feeling empty and worthless. And I want to say I'm okay, that I live in a paradise, that nothing can make me cry. What if you were right? What if I really need help? I just can't accept it, the fact that I'm not okay, or that I'm weak. I loved you and you died, so I don't wanna love anymore. So I push everyone away as soon as I get to attached. Because if they left I wouldn't make it. I wouldn't be able to continue to live. Because what if I loosed everyone? I should live on my own and I can't. He died, only him everyone else is still here but knowing he isn't kills me. I didn't even know him, but its so painful. I can't help but think about the way you could die, and how I would die with you. And every night I think about what you said... And I know you're right...  That you were right, I'm not okay, im pretty far from okay... So please help me, I need your help... I need you to catch me when I'll fall, when I'll jump.