Love, Lied and Lost...

Maybe

And just like that it was finished. It wasn't easy telling you that our relationship was more hurtful than anything else, my heart was burning in my chest. And when you tried to dry my tears, I just couldn't let your hand touch my skin, because if it did I would have told you that I was sorry that I needed you more that I need myself. And for once just for once, I needed to make myself go first. Because for once I cared more about myself, and for once I decided that caring about myself wouldn't make me someone selfish or self centered. The night before I couldn't sleep, my eyes were wide open until 3 am, I knew you would get up and go to work. I knew you were maybe thinking about me, that we were going to see each other soon, but the only thing I could think about was how I was going to hurt you when I would finally tell you. And when you texted me telling me you loved me, telling me you missed me. it took everything I had in me to not answer, to not break down crying. But I couldn't, I have been mistreated way too much to let you break me more. so for once I stopped things before my heart would be too damaged. But seems like it didn't help in any kinda way. You asked me to stay friends with you, and I said yes, but what you don't understand is that I can't, I can't talk to you like nothing ever happened, I can't see you and not be overwhelmed by all the memories, I can't just forget how I felt for you. And my heart aches, because you didn't break my heart, you aren't the one who broke up, but I hurts just as bad, because in some way I am responsible for my own pain, and that's the worse. But you didn't fight, you didn't care. In some way I even doubt that you loved me in any sort of way. Because I felt that you cared less, less than you cared for your exes. And the light in your eyes when you talked about things that matter to you was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, but you never had it when you talked about me or when you talked to me. I needed someone who would fight for me, I needed someone who would go on and on about how much he loved me, I need someone who will always reassure me, cause I don't love myself enough to always be sure you still love me. And it was too hard, there was too many things that were pushing us apart, and the fact that we were both trying so hard to hang on to the little things that we had in common. but it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. Because I needed things you were just not ready to offer, and I liked that naive part of me, who taught I could save the whole world. But you... You never let me believe I could have an impact on this world. You needed things to be about yourself, and sometimes just for a little moment I needed you to care about me, to ask me how I felt. To take me into your arms and just ask me about my day. But it was always the other way around, even when my day was the shittiest even when I felt like I couldn't stay in Switzerland anymore, when I felt like the whole wide world didn't want me to be happy. I listened to the jokes you heard, to what your teammates said, to how your boss is an ass. And I never complained, and when I finally had enough and I did complain, you would say sorry and then start over the next day. And maybe it's just me, maybe I'm the one who is not ready, maybe I'm too self centered, maybe I was the one always talking. But one thing for sure is that this relationship was good for neither of us, we both need something that the other couldn't offer. Even if we tried to hang on until the last second, because the moral of the story is that no matter how much we try, no matter how much we want it... some stories just don't have a happy ending. So maybe, just maybe we were not meant to be.

From a Black Bubble that is dragged around by the wind.