An extract from a book i'll never write | Poetry |

Ten: FOREVER BROKEN

**I was not going to post this because this has a lot of memories that hurt to even think about them. This hurt me to write so please just dont hate me for writing the truth **

If you're going to love me, you need to know that I'm a complete mess. I cry whenever someone raises their voice and I always think that I'm never good enough because in the past that has been the case. I cry whenever I start to even remarkably think about the future because I don't know who I am without this sadness and I don't think I'm ever going to get better.  I love animals way too much so I'm always bringing strays home. I get attached way too easily and I don't know how to keep a conversation going. there are days when everything is too much and I won't speak to a single soul so please don't take offence when I don't return your calls. I come with a lot of baggage so you should know that I am no ray of sunshine and that I'm not made of fairy dust with a side of pink and sunny days. I am made of headaches, tears and sadness.

If you're going to love me, you should know that I open up way too easily and it leaves me with nothing for myself and it always leaves me hurting and empty. A lot of people take pieces of me whenever they decide to leave, so im hoping that you would stay a bit longer and stay a while. As much as I realise that I am hopelessly in love, I don't believe in a prince saving me but I do believe in unicorns and ghosts. I always say my favourite colour is blue, but if you ask me why I don't have a happy meaning for it.

I haven't visited my mothers grave since the day we put her in the ground and that eats away at me. if there is heaven I think she would look down on me with shame and disappointment. she would say "I gave you life so you would find the beauty yet you think that it's you that's wrong, not what they have taught you." Whenever I think about her lying there trapped in a wood prison with nothing but the worms for the company, I am filled with tears even thinking about her rip's me into thousands of pieces that no-one could pick up and put me back together. 

Holidays are always hard even though i have a smile on my face. if you were to ask how im doing and what's wrong I will most likely say that nothing is wrong and I'm, in fact, fine, this is far from the truth. I am never fine and I try to scream for help but my brain convinces me that they would never understand and no one would care even if I said anything to anyone so I keep the truth locked away in my mental prison, but there are days when im okay and if you can't understand that then you should reconsider your emotions that you will attach to me and what I will do to me.  if at times I push you away I am truly sorry I swear I mean no harm to you, in fact, its the opposite, I want to protect you in the only way I know how, the only way I have been taught by my long gone family, I want to protect you from me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am no picnic in the park on a summers day. A part of me hopes that you can still say that you love me without doubting your own words.

I am not for everyone, but I hope I am for you