An extract from a book i'll never write | Poetry |

54: I HAVE LOST MYSELF IN THE CROWD OF THE DEAD

**WARNING CONTAINS SELF HARM READ AT OWN RISK**

Tonight I break my promise
That you and another made me promise
A promise of care and strength
I'm sorry
I'm so, so sorry.

But the noise inside my head
Is the loudest its ever been
I can't hold it back anymore.
I am a dam that has a leak on its surface
And now the water is about to break through.
I can't hold back the muddy water.
It once gave me the energy to keep living

But now

It's a curse
A curse of feeling too much
without the ability to keep me safe.
The only way to get better from this
Is to let the water crack through.
It will hurt me
I know
that's why I do it
Because the pain tells me I'm alive
That there is still a little bit of me that can feel
I don't want to feel
Because it hurts.
It hurts so much.

I tried to stop it,
I tried to try and help my body recover
But they are like friends that I cannot get rid of
they are the only ones who have stayed with me longer than a week
My scares tell me that I shouldn't try anymore
Because of the thought of wanting to die
Feels right.
I'm not afraid to die
If I laid down on a busy road or on a train track
My heart would beat at a slow steady pace.
I can't tell the days apart anymore.
They all blur into a single nightmare
One that I cannot escape
I see the people around me happy and smiling and I know that they will keep smiling once I disappear.

I have friends
I think they are.
To me, they keep me alive
without even knowing it
they prolong my life
I want to hate them for it
But I know they are just playing the game of life just like me.
I don't want to tell them about how im feeling
Because sometimes I feel like they would never understand
I don't want to poison into them thinking as I do.

People ask me how im feeling
And I always say I'm fine or in good
I flash them a fake smile as I return the question.
I'm afraid of performing on a stage in front of people
Yet I have been doing that for as long as I can remember
I try to act like everyone around me
I imitate them
The way they laugh or talk
or even walk
If they put a spring into their steps
I will do that too
I do it to feel included or for them to not become uncomfortable
But all it does it make me feel lonely
Like im different from everyone else.
Like I don't belong next to them.

Ever since year 6 when I first felt a blade to my skin and blamed it on a cat
I've been hiding a secret that I can't and will not let go.
It has become a part of me.
I have lied to the ones I love
I think this will be the death of me.
Sometimes I wish I could just fall into a sleep of forever
WIthout pain
But then other days
I want to die in the most painful ways anyone can die by
Because I actually believe I deserve it
And on the rare occasions, I want to die knowing that there is someone to say goodbye to.
But I hope not 
It will be a waste of there time
A moment that they will never get back.
Life is short
But for me, it's too long

The only release I get is from a blade which I hide with my love
I lay the blade in the palm of my hands
I see the light reflect off it
Like its dodging bullets with the bullets being all the good and the light.
The blade is thin but I don't dought that it's sharp
I've done this before.
I know what to do.
I make the blade travel from my palm to between my thumb and pointer finger.
The blade with its shape edge angled  towards my wrist
Then i

*slice*

I cut

I cut
and
I cut
and
I cut,
again
and
again.

I can't stop,
I don't want to stop
Because tonight I don't want to feel anymore
I just want to let all the evil out

Tonight my friends are let loose wearing red.