An extract from a book i'll never write | Poetry |

34: ASK ME

You asked me once, how would we fix this.

This?

What is this? This is hiding behind closed doors fearing our emotional state. This is being cowards untill the moonlight glows brighter than ever. This is the feeling of being at a party surrounded by stranger and unable to smile. This is the embodiment of safeness, we have built up out walls and we have built them in such a way that we cannot talk to each other.

Our phones vibrate with the notification of the other publishing poetic fallacies of misjudgment. We read and cry about words that rats have written for lions. We're too afraid of talking to each other because we think the other is going to hurt them.

When in fact it is ourselves that cause our bodies the pain and scars. Through my night when all I think about is the chaos that I have implemented I give permission to slice my skin like warm dough, I watch the blood run down my arms and legs like watching clouds drift out of site. I give permission to give into the nightmares because I know it's easier than falling asleep.

My insomnia has taken hold of me, it has wrapped my up in warm blankets in it's strong arms with lose wrist. It has a beautiful way of making the dark seem like perfect company. My insomnia takes me outside to look at the Moon and see all the craters that have once bombarded it and yet through all that the Moon has survived.

I know I can be strong like the Moon and Know you can too

And yet somehow I am dragged back to my bed, where I don't want to be at.

I know it's the same for you, you don't want to talk out loud to a fucking human being. Am I that much of a monster that you would rather ignore me and let yourself eat you up from the inside because of your decision?

Listen

I am trying to help you survive. Our Damm broke and it caused a flood. I know. But now is not the time to give up. It's a time to survive and come out the other end with a smile of your face and worthy of being a survivor.

I want to take a walk with you by your side and explain everything, but my kneecaps clank like silver spoons. They ring in my ear like clumsy church bells, reminding me that you wouldn't give me the chance because I am a monster to you, you would rather kill me then let us both survive even if it takes a while you need to know the truth.

All it takes is for someone like you to ask.