One Shots

feelings.

What happened? That's the question I ask myself always. What fucking happened? I was happy. I was in love. I was ready for the future. I wanted a happy ending. What the fuck happened? I don't know. I don't know what happened. One minute I had everything, the next I was trying to repair it, and the minute after that I couldn't even hold it anymore. Maybe that's what I needed, a true heart break. Maybe I needed to mature, or to grow up. But then again that's what I was constantly yelled at for. Maybe I needed to consider everyone's feelings and not think about my own. Then again I was yelled at that for doing the exact opposite. Me caring about myself and my mental health was never considered. Because the only one that mattered was you. I only cared about you. I only loved you. And yet here I am broken, not knowing where it went wrong. Was it when your family found out and threatened to put me in a jail cell for the rest of my life and called me a disgusting human being for being me? Better yet for being a proud transgender man? Or was it when your jealousy made you see red and I did what no one would ever do, cut literally everyone off? My own best friend? When was it really? When did I lose everything? Because it was me. I lost it. You didn't. I was here. I am still here. Still fucking here. Why haven't I left? Because I am so fucking scared to leave that grasp you will always have me in. Whether you have moved on or not. I am still here trying to run as far as I can into another life. Looking at it now, maybe it was me. Maybe I lost it because I wasn't grown enough for you. Maybe I lost it because I am a disgusting human being who deserves to live in a jail cell. Maybe I lost it because I said I love you to another woman, my own best friend. I deserved to lose it all. Who am I to you? I hope no one. I hope when you read 'Noah' you think of no one. I hope when you see me you just look at me as if I'm a stranger. But I know that hope I have will never happen because when you read 'Noah' sadness will overcome you. My mistakes will replay through your head and every good memory we created will never cross your mind because my mistakes were far greater. When you see me across the street you would only hope you can run up to me and give me a hug but you can't. Because whatever I touch gets destroyed. Like a beautiful rose when someone forgets to water it everyday. I only destroy things. I destroyed you. I hurt you. It was me. Never you. I want to hate you. I want to run to you and yell at you for destroying me. For forgetting to water me everyday. But it was me. I forgot to water you. Fuck. How could I forget? I fucking forgot. It was me. It will always be me because I'm the bad guy. Not you. God, not you. Me. Me. Me. It was me.

---

this isn't about #camren. but i wrote this a while ago while i was feeling completely down and wanted to post it on here. 

tell me what you think. 

should i upload more personal stuff? let me know.

- noah :)