Never meant to || fillie

Pain and hurt I've caused

"Hey Sadie could you watch Isabel for a bit?"
" oh. Uh sure millie, is everything ok?"

Yes. The father of my child is laying in a hospital bed and I don't know if he'll be ok when or IF he wakes up. My daughter is confused and scared because she knows something happened to her dad and that something is me. I did this to him. So yes everything is fucking peachy.

" I'm just going to stop by the office to pick up some paperwork and maybe go home and shower"

I called about 2 hours ago to let my assistant know I wasn't going in and she could have the day off. So yeah that parts a lie but I do need a shower. I've been here for the past  almost 48 hours.  I just- I need some time alone. I can't stand these sad faces all caused by me. Because no one can convince me that this wasn't on me. If only I'd just let him be a dad. If I hadn't been so stubborn and down right stupid we'd probably be at the guys house watching a movie and being all happy like a normal god damn family. 

Walking towards where Isabel is sleeping, I stop for a second and just admire where she is. She's snuggled up next to Mary and Nona. My parents came in a few hours ago. She looks so happy I really don't want to wake her up. But I also don't want her to worry when she wakes up and I'm not here. I take out my phone and take a picture. The ray of sun in this gloomy day.
" Isabel, baby, mommy's going home a little while, you'll be ok here with Sadie?"
As I try to shake Isabel awake, Nick lays a hand on my shoulder.
" hey, Im headed out to grab them something to eat. Do you want to go?"
" oh, um I was actually on my way out. Going home to go shower."
" ok well, I could drop you off."
It came out more as a question and I can sense that dropping me off at home isn't the only thing he wants to do. There are things I know he's dying to ask, so I accept. We give quick goodbyes and head out to his car.
" hey, where's Doug?"
" He was with the cops yesterday trying to keep all of this private."

It's a bit quiet for a while,except for the few directions I give him, and I mentally prepare for some of the questions he may ask.
Why didn't you tell him, how old is she, did she know he was her dad, etc, ect.
So it completely shocks me when in stead he says-

" When Finn was touring  in Japan, about 2 years ago, I came home to visit a few of my friends. It was only 2 days but they had told me you had a baby. I was a little shocked and asked the obvious, "Who's the dad", but they didn't want to say. Said it wasn't their story to tell. It confused me for a bit until I realized what they meant. Millie it doesn't exactly take a genius to figure out why they didn't want to me."

" if you knew why didn't you tell him?" I say a little  too defensive and give a quick sorry.

Nick just nods his head and puts a hand in mine " not my story to tell."

I roll my eyes half heartedly and smile. "Thank you, Nick"
" I get why you didn't tell him Millie. And I guess I get why you didn't tell the rest of us. Just know we love you. Always have. We're not mad you didn't tell us. We're just upset it had to be under horrible circumstances."
The rest of the ride is filled with questions about Isabel and catching up on the past 5 years. We pull up to the house and I release a breath I didn't know I was holding. Nick places a hand on my shoulder once more and gives me a small warm smile.

"He's strong, mills. He'll be ok." I nod and try to believe in the words he says. So much hope. I wish I could hold on to that hope, too.

10 minutes later and I'm already under the shower. Letting the hot water run down my face letting it sting as it numbs my body, washing away the past 2 days. Scratch that, the past week.  It works for a bit. The hot water numbing me from the mess that I've made. For a moment Im indulged in the idea that this was all a dream.

Then the pain and hurt I've caused crawls once again  from deep in my chest and I feel my heart break once again. Everything I do is wrong. All of it. I can't love a man enough to convince him to keep me in his life. I take away my daughters right to a normal happy life with two loving parents. I take away Finns right to love his daughter. I make all the people he loves and trust lie to him for me. I should be the one on that bed, not Finn. I should be the one suffering.

I stay there for a couple minutes , arms wrapped around my knees with my head in between , letting the hot water run down my back and silent tears roll down my cheeks.

"Life would be so much better if I'd just disappear."

So with a broken heart I gather everything I need and I pick up my phone. The fist thing I see is the picture I took a bit ago and it gives me that extra push I needed . I try to control my breathing before they answer and give up when they do.
" Hey mills, everything ok?"
" hey Nick. Um no. Nothing's ok."

Oh look at who finally posted! I tried so hard to put this out earlier but life happened and well....  this was put out in a rush because I wanted to at least have SOMETHING out for you guys. I really hope you like it.!

Just a heads up, I'm sorry. Y'all are going to hate me but just remember I love y'all.
And if you guys have any comments just let me know ❤️