Mea Culpa

Chapter 13

After a few days at the farm with Wendy, Nero and the kids, Roxy was starting to question her decision. She missed Coco, her heart ached, and she knew they were worried. She really had no idea how worried they were though. Coco and the club were growing more panicked the more time that passed.

"You okay?" Wendy asked, knocking on the door frame before poking her head into the room.

"No," Roxy sighed, "I'm not."

"Who?" Wendy asked knowingly.

"Coco."

"What is it with these MCs and their nicknames?"

Roxy shrugged. "Mateo went through this phase where he was obsessed with that movie Coco. Now I can't stop singing shit from it just because of the name similarity."

"I have a burner," she told Roxy. "You can call real quick. Tell him you're okay."

Shaking her head, Roxy was adamant. "No. I know myself. If I hear his voice I'll break."

"If you don't want to be here, Rox, why are you here?"

"Esai is dead. Long dead. They all knew, Wendy. Every single one of them," Roxy explained sorrowfully. "I feel like an idiot. I'm pissed and I'm hurt and," Roxy broke down. "And I've been hating him for five years for walking out on me and our son but he didn't. I feel so goddamn guilty."

"Rox," Wendy whimpered sitting beside Roxy and putting her arm around her, "I'm sorry."

"Thanks," Roxy huffed. "I get it, I know why they did it but fuck, FUCK, I hate it. I'm sorry. I'm just repeating the same shit over and over. I just can't stop obsessing. I'm so confused now too. I love Coco but I love Esai. The only reason I stopped is because I thought he left me."

"No," Wendy said quickly. "Don't torture yourself. Even if you knew he was dead, what were you going to do, never date again? Go live some celibate life starring in your damn early twenties? Esai is dead and that's awful but Roxy you deserve to be happy."

Roxy inhaled a long, deep breath and nodded. "I guess. I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do."

Wendy's forehead scrunched as she looked at Roxy with confusion. "You mean like go back to Santo Padre or move home?"

"No, like how I'm gonna flip shit on Marcus and tell him he's a goddamn monster."

"Rox. No."

"He's been controlling me for years!" She snapped loudly. "He did this. He did all of this shit, Wendy. He's not god."

"He might as well be," Nero said calmly as he entered the room, "Sorry to interrupt."

"I know he's your boy, or whatever, Nero, but fuck Marcus Alvarez."

"I get what you're feeling, mama," Nero sighed, "But you don't want to confront that man and especially not concerning the death of his son."

"The murder," Roxy snapped. "Esai was murdered by his father. How? How could a person do that? Jax and Tara basically died for those boys, I would die for Mateo in an instant," she cried. "How could he do that?"

Nero shook his head, "I don't know."

"If I had a dick and was patched I'd be able to confront him and fucking kill him myself but now I gotta sit back and just pretend it never happened?"

"Roxanna," Nero said sagely, "You know this is how it is. You've always known this."

"Yeah," she grumbled dismissively.

"Cry, mourn Esai," Wendy advised, "Then you pull your shit together, go home, swallow all your hate and hide it behind that patented Teller smile. You do what you have to do, you find a way to go on, it's what we do."