❛ i carry your heart with me,
i am never without it.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide...
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IT WAS THE LAST DAY FILMING in Surrey before Lennon would be going back to New York. Although Brokeback was still in production, Ang insisted that Lennon's presence wouldn't be necessary since they practically filmed everything. There was a sense of relief for her in knowing that she wouldn't need to interact with Heath again. At the same time, it was weird to know she most likely wouldn't be running into the Australian soon.
"You okay, Len? You're looking a lot paler than usual," Christian held the back of his palm to her forehead to see if she had a temperature, "you're face is freezing cold, Lennon, have you eaten?"
Subtly nodding her head, Lennon moved so that she could lay her head in Christian's lap. They had just finished their final scene outside in Surrey and were now in the comfort of their adjoining trailer. He carefully ran his fingers through her thick hair, not wanting to pull too hard on the strands.
"Hey, look at me, is everything okay?"
Redirecting her eyes from the carpeted floor, Lennon craned her neck to see that Christian had a scowl on his face. He moved his hands from out of her hair and lightly traced the outline of her lips.
"I'm just tired, I guess," She was lying, but not wanting to press any further, Christian kept his mouth closed, "and I have to be at Heathrow for two in the morning."
"It's a shame I have to go to Los Angeles so soon," he began to shake his leg up and down, "Chris is very adamant about going to the studio to re-record some lines, though. The faster we get it done, the more time the editors will have."
"Well, I think I might be flying out to LA the last week of February to catch up with Ang Lee."
Christian smiled, "Perfect, then you can come stay with me? We'll go to Disneyland or whatever it is you want to do."
Mirroring his smile, Lennon nodded her head and turned her face to the floor again. Although they had been presumably dating since their first offscreen kiss New Year's Eve, the idea that she was dating the American Psycho actor was... weird. He was charming, handsome, and extremely generous; the best boyfriend Lennon ever had.
It always worked out that way, though. Whenever she got the best outcome of anything (albeit friends, jobs, men) she could never feel settled. Maybe it was because she was a Sagittarius.
—
John F. Kennedy airport wasn't too busy when Lennon arrived early that Tuesday morning. The flight from London was brutal, she had gotten no sleep and dealt with the crying of a one year old the entire time. As soon as she got off the plane, she walked slowly due to her aching body.
Figuring a coffee and new pack of cigarettes would be the best medicine, Lennon made her way to the convenience store next to the exit of the airport. She made a small black coffee and made her way over to the counter to pick up a pack.
"It's gonna be $7.89," the cashier said.
Lennon placed her bag on the counter to take out her wallet, handing the woman a crisp twenty. A quarter fell from the hole in her change pocket, and as she bent down to pick it up her eyes caught one of the headlines of a tabloid magazines.
'MICHELLE WILLIAMS PREGNANT! IS HEATH THE DAD? Read page A2 to find out!'
Without hesitation she put the magazine down on the counter, paying for it and taking her change. She ran like a maniac over to a pay phone by the door of the airport, taking the quarter she dropped to dial Jake's phone number faster that 911.
"Hello?"
"Jake, it's Lennon," She placed the magazine on the stand in the phone booth, flipping to page A2 with one hand, "is it true?"
"Is what true?" He was sitting in his trailer in Canada, waiting for the makeup artists to come clean up the fake blood and prosthetics around his face.
"Michelle's pregnant. Is it true?" She kept her voice low as she spoke. The idea that Michelle would be pregnant less than five months after Lennon and Heath's night together was honestly... embarrassing. That could've been her.
Jake clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, "I don't know. Really, nobody's mentioned anything like that to me."
Abruptly ending the call, Lennon held onto the phone pondering the idea to call Jake back and ask for Heath. It wasn't the best idea, more of a desperate move on her part. She let the phone go, deciding to not let her vulnerability take over. She grabbed her suitcase and bag, and made her way over to a taxi a few feet away.
"421 Broome Street," she handed the usual $20 bill that it cost from the airport to her building.
The drive back was always tedious, traffic from bad driving always an annoyance. But the drive back this time was fast, too quick for Lennon's liking. Maybe it was because her thoughts were consumed by this unconfirmed unborn child. Their was a feeling of nausea that continuously kept rising in Lennon's stomach as they drove through the city streets. And when she finally made the long walk into her apartment, everything unfolded in her bathroom toilet.
Sweat was falling down the back of her necks, and hot salty tears fell down her cheeks. Dry heaving eventually began until Lennon felt enough was enough. She couldn't even fathom that she was having an anxiety attack over the man that broke her heart, but yet there she was, crying and puking on her bathroom floor. She reached into the cabinet under the sink for her unprescribed Valium, something her Donnie Darko costar Drew was able to get for her. Standing on shaking legs, Lennon pulled herself up to the sink, rinsing out her mouth with mouthwash. She opened the lid of the pill bottle and took two out, tilting her head back as if to make it easier to swallow.
Instead of waiting in the bathroom mirror to see if the pills were kicking in, she made her way to her bedroom, where Christian's black button down shirt lay on the floor. Her bed was covered in random clothes, but she didn't mind and instead pushed them to the opposite corner of the bed. In her small empty corner of the mattress, Lennon began to shiver, not from being cold but from nerves coursing through her veins.
The alarm clock on the side of her bed read 9:20am, and although she should have stayed awake, sleep came too quick for her to think.
•••
this is really short im sorry but i needed this filler i guess idk what im really doing at this point
now that her and christian are together what do we expect?
