❛ i carry your heart with me,
i am never without it.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide...
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CHRISTMAS WASN'T THE SAME, Heath spent the holiday alone in his and Lennon's apartment. He had been calling her three times a day since she walked out on him, even trying to get through to Jake who's number always went straight to voicemail. He wanted to give up, he really did, but at the same time he knew that that was what Lennon expected from him.
He was sat on their couch watching A Nightmare Before Christmas when the intercom started buzzing. Finally, he thought. He walked over and held the button allowing his visitor access to the elevator before going back to his spot on the couch.
After several moments the elevator doors opened to reveal Michelle and Matilda. His daughter was dressed in Christmas pajamas, prepared to go to bed after she opened her presents.
"Heath," Michelle spoke slowly as she entered the apartment. He was sat on the couch surrounded by empty water bottles and half drank Starbucks cups.
"Hiya, 'Tilly," Heath picked up his daughter, sitting her down in his lap. He ran his fingers through her short hair, finally feeling a sense of comfort for the first time in two weeks.
Michelle wandered into the living room, where a bare Christmas tree was sat with several depressingly wrapped gifts. She knelt down to pick up the few ones with Matilda's name written in Heath's sloppy handwriting. At least he used Disney princess wrapping paper, she thought.
"Wow, 'Til, look at what daddy got you," Michelle sat beside the two handing the little girl the small box. She helped her open it, being that the two year old didn't really understand.
After opening the few boxes, Matilda took her new stuffed animals and was put to bed by Michelle. She came back down to see Heath cleaning up the wrapping paper, she sighed.
"You know material objects are irrelevant to me, but," she paused, "you seriously only got your daughter four gifts? Really Heath?"
"Oh, yeah, I meant to give you this," he walked into the kitchen coming back out with an envelope. "I just- I mean you kind of know, I haven't even left here, I don't have the energy to go out and about shopping."
She took the envelope, opening it to find several $100 bills. "I don't want this, I want you to go out with your daughter tomorrow and spend time with her. Use this to do whatever she wants, I mean I know it's the day after Christmas, but you two can always go to a movie."
She sighed, "you need to get out of this apartment, go for a walk or something. Staying here depressed is going to make you– your habit worse. I don't want to have to take Matilda away from you, but if that's what it comes down to–"
"Please, Michelle," he held his hand up, waving her off, "I can't be bothered to deal with you talking like that. Just save it."
"Okay, but something needs to be done about this. You can't keep living like this, Heath, it's getting out of hand."
Michelle followed him over to his spot on the couch again, sitting beside him. His eyes were focused on the movie playing on the TV, but after several minutes of silence between the two Heath started to cry.
"What's wrong, Heath?" Michelle rubbed his back as he began to sob, leaning his head on her shoulder for support.
It was super strange to see Heath cry, Michelle could only recall him crying the day Matilda was born. But never over his problems, at least not in front of her.
"What's the matter?" Michelle spoke softly not wanting to upset him too much.
"I can't do it anymore, I just can't," Heath's voice cracked as he spoke, "she left me, she really left me, and it's all my fault. I lied to her so many times, Michelle, and she was asking me all these questions and it's like I can't even find it in me to be honest with her 'cause I just know how fucked up I am."
Michelle's eyes widened. This was really a rare fucking scene. If someone had bet her that Heath would be admitting his wrongs before she came to see him, she would've lost. Never in a million years did she expect those words "it's all my fault" to fall out of his mouth.
"I mean you know what you need to do, Heath, it's just that you don't want to better yourself. And okay, cool, that's fine, for now. It's not going to be fine when one of us finds you dead... so it's like then what? What was the point of all this back and forth just for you to leave us all anyways?"
"I know you, I know you're stubborn, but with another baby on the way I'm truly surprised." Michelle shook her head, "you need to get it together. And the worse part is you have all these resources and all these people who want to help you, but you just don't want to get better."
"I want to, I really do, Michelle–"
She tilted her head, shaking it, "no, you really don't. Because if you did we wouldn't be having this conversation here on your couch, I would be hearing from you by phone from a rehab center."
