Chasing The Impractical (Brian Quinn Story)

Anger - Apollonia

"So, do you feel ready to go home?" my counsellor asked as we met for the last time.

After escaping the warehouse of hell, the emergency services had arrived quickly. I was taken straight to hospital and remained there for two weeks. Q, and everyone had obviously come straight away to the hospital, they, along with the police, wanted to know what had happened and why. I couldn't do it though, I didn't have the strength within me to talk about it, to relive it. The police had never found another body or trails of anyone else, and after my hospital stay, I went back home with Q.

Things between us were bad. I refused to sleep in the same bed as him and finched whenever he came near. I hadn't even had time to process what had happened back at the hotel, and I knew he was worried sick. I was basically struggling to cope, unable to show emotions or express my thoughts internally or out loud. I was also having major withdrawal symptoms from the drugs he had injected me with. This all added into a complete mess, and quite often an angry and aggressive one.

When Brian had found me sat on the kitchen floor, cradling Henry and sobbing uncontrollably, he had forced me to get help. I hated him for it, cursed him out and screamed, calling him the most awful and unthinkable things. He never got mad or upset with me though, he would just remained calm and waited for me to stop.

"I want to see my niece and kid" I shrugged.

"That's not what I asked, I'm wondering if you are ready to go home?"

"Yes" I lied, unable to spend a single moment longer in here after already 3 months of it.

"I've heard the sessions with Brian have not been going to well. You don't need to rush this Apple. It's recovery, not a race".

"Brian... Q and I. I don't think we will ever be the same. I'm angry at him for too much, I can't just forgive him. I almost have this hatred towards him. But he's the father of my son, and we've been through too much to just throw it away though. We had... have a life together".

"And if you go back with these feelings of anger still, how will that work at home? How will the children feel being around it. We've got you over the drugs, opened you up to speak about it, but I don't think we've got you ready to return home yet".

"I'm going home" I hissed.

"Have you told Brian how to feel towards him?".

"Listen, you are my counsellor, not our couple therapist. So I'm going home now. Thanks for everything, but I'm done here" I snapped and quickly stormed out of the small light room.

By reception by bags had already been picked up, and stood nervously in the waiting room was Brian Quinn.

"Hey you" he smiled awkwardly as I walked over.

"Hey" I mumbled and allowed a soft and quick hug.

"Bags are already in the car, but the kids are with my mom. Figured I'd give us a day to get back into things" he explained as we walked to the car.

"I wanted to see them. It's been nearly a month since they last visited. Henry won't even know who I am" i snapped and felt my eyes begin to fill with tears of disappointment.

"Well, we'll drive down tomorrow and get them. Sorry, I just thought-"

Brian stopped talking as I shook my head and hopped into the passenger seat. The drive back was made in complete silence. A few times I spotted him looking down at my hands in my lap, but would only quickly look away and sigh.

"I was thinking, maybe we could talk? You never seemed that comfortable with the therapist and I thought... maybe when we were alone it would be easier?" He asked as we walked into the house.

"It's you that makes me uncomfortable. It's you I'm angry at now" I replied and walked into the sitting room.

"I know, well, I figured as much. But Apps, I still love you so fucking much, I want to make this work, if I can. I'll do anything" he begged now and sat down next to me.

Apple looked down at her hands, nervously picking at her nails.

"I know this probably isn't something you've been worrying about right now, but apps, I didn't cheat on you. When she knocked, I thought it was you and then she just pushed her way in, I was pushing her off me when you came back".

"I believe you" I replied and honestly meant it. I knew I'd jumped to conclusion, but in the heat of the moment it was hard not too.

"But you blame me for what happened right? I know you do Apps, just say it. Say exactly what it is your feeling".

"YES" I screamed and jumped from the sofa.

"Yes. I have so much anger towards you, towards everyone. But you, you promised to protect me and you didnt. You weren't there. You weren't there when he raped me, when he hurt me. I know it's not really your fault, but I still have this anger and hatred towards you. Is that what you want to hear, IS IT?" I continued.

Q dropped his head into his hands and began to cry. I instantly felt a guilt wash over me, I was hurting him so much, causing him so much pain. Slowly, my anger calmed and a new feeling flooded through me. Quickly, I walked over to him and fell to my knees in front of him.

"I still love you Bri. I love you more than anything. I just, I guess I just need time. I still want us though, I want nothing else" I cried.

Slowly Q looked up from his hands and cupped my face. "I'm so sorry Apps. So fucking sorry".