Not Really There | FILLIE

fourteen - bruises

song - Bruises by Lewis Capaldi 

~"There must be something in the water
'Cause everyday it's getting colder
And if only I could hold you
You'd keep my head from going under"~

As soon as the words left the man's lips, everything came flooding back to her at once. She expected it to trickle through her brain, her memories returning one by one as if they were nothing more than old dreams she could barely remember. But they all filled in her head at once, her skull throbbing as all of the color drained from her face. She could see the faces of her family, she could remember her days at school and helping the kind-hearted principle in his office. She could barely hear Finn talking to Mr Harbour, keeping a steady hand on hers because before he could do anything, she was out of the room. She ignored his footsteps behind her, his eyes trying to stay on her in case she would disappear from his vision at any moment. Now that they had gotten so much closer, as she moved away from him it felt like a piece of himself had slid away, like he was no longer complete. 

As soon as Millie was outside, she cried out in pain, grabbing her hand as images filtered through her memories, everything confusing her even more. She could barely move, her hands abrasively running through her scalp as she rocked back and forth in a ball on the ground. She closed her eyes and for a moment, her brain was filled with so many memories and knowledge of what had happened, that it felt like it was still her life. It felt like everything was still real, like her being a ghost was nothing more than a bad dream. 

"Millie, baby..." her mother laughed, pulling the covers from over her head, "you cannot sleep in forever, you know? It is time for school!"

"No!" she cried, pulling the duvet tighter to her small body. 

"Paige, come and wake your sister up" her mother rolled her eyes, bopping Millie on the nose before leaving her older sister to wake her. Millie made a face as Paige walked in, shaking her head with pleading eyes as if willing Paige to leave her alone to rest, the idea of going to school too hard to bear. 

"Come on, Mills" Paige soothed, "why don't you want to go to school?"

Millie sighed, looking down at her fingers. "You know nobody likes me there, I'm not good at making friends like you or Charlie...even Ava is better at making friends than I am!"

"Ava is six years old..." Paige reminded her gently, but gripped her fourteen year old sister's hand tightly to reassure her. "You know I am going off to college soon and then you will be the oldest in the house, we all know that Charlie is not responsible. Ava needs someone to look up to and you know she thinks the world of you...who is going to make her get up for school when Mom is busy? You need to be there for her, okay kid?"

"I'm not like you..." Millie mumbled sadly. "I'm not smart or beautiful or mature. I can barely take care of myself let alone look after things when you go."

Paige tweaked her button nose. "You are the most beautiful person I know, Mills. Inside and out, and a silly thing like school should not be making you feel like anything less than that. Okay?"

Millie smiled reluctantly as her sister pulled her in for a hug. 

She whimpered, gripping her hair as more memories ran through her mind, each one more painful than the last. They were all so real, and they felt like only yesterday, making it hurt even more once she realized that those days were over. She wanted to go back in time, to spend more time with her family and to build a life for herself, not have everything snatched from her at barely fifteen years old. 

"Millie!" Ava squealed as her big sister lifted her up onto her hip. 

The little blonde looked nothing like her, but at the same time they were so alike. Ava definitely had Millie's bright smile and playful eyes but she was so much stronger and confident than Millie, even at such a young age. She looked up at her sister as if she was a superhero carrying her in her arms, and Millie wanted her to realize that she was struggling to even stand on her own, let alone have enough strength to fly them away.